Welcome to this week’s edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes. This is your chance to find out what effects your smelly socks will have on the universe and where your disposition ranks you among those people who pretend not to judge you. Are you ready? Well if you aren’t, that’s what I’m here for. Why? Because Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Contrary to popular belief, eavesdropping is not a skill. It’s a warrant for a straight up ass whooping.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Anything anyone says to you will go in one ear and out the other because there’s nothing blocking the traffic.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your back hair resembles yak fur.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If walls could talk, your freaky ass would be in a world of trouble.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone is itching to slap the sh*t out of you – and we’re not talking about on the ass.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
That mole hiding underneath your pubic hair is not really a mole at all. It’s time for a second opinion.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may be lucky enough for someone to forgive your ignorance this week but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Foreplay for you means having someone clip your toenails before sex.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will be visited by the ghost of a public restroom on the 3rd day of the 4th week during the 15th minute of the last hour of the day.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
That thing you want to get off your chest is probably just a boil.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You should consider slipping into something more comfortable for the lover who’s not that interested in you – like a coma.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Borrow $.50 from anyone who feels sorry for you and buy yourself a personality.
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Quote of the Week: “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
