The universe has a funny way of laughing at us. Well have I’ve got news for the universe: Sh*t happens! That’s just the way it is and has been since the beginning of time. But no matter what the universe throws at us, we’re more prepared than we think. However, we mustn’t forget that all sh*t stinks.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Channel your outer beauty. Consider your eyes “the nipples of the face.”
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
That stupid look on your face is your greatest weapon. Fight smart not hard.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you have a constant scent of penguin skin under your nose, watch your back.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You are in direct line with bullsh*t and trouble lurks around every corner. Avoid hooded ducks on steroids.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your two flaws are that you’re too nosey not to mind other people’s business and not clever enough to protect your own. That equals disaster.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Tongue-kiss as many strangers as you come across and gain a whole new respect for getting jumped.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Just because no one commented on your big ass bunyon doesn’t mean it went unnoticed.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You may feel a conflict between yourself and your 2nd face, this week. It’s okay. No one thinks you’re normal anyway.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If everything seems to be too good to be true, just wait. You’re bound to say something to mess it all up.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
If you receive an anonymous greeting card in the mail with the letters “STFU” handwritten inside — God is trying to tell you something.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Someone will test your intelligence. They’re checking to see if you’re as dumb as you look.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The good news is you weren’t born an asshole, so there may be hope for you yet.
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Quote of the Week: “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”
