Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 25-31, 2010

The universe has a funny way of laughing at us.  Well have I’ve got news for the universe: Sh*t happens!  That’s just the way it is and has been since the beginning of time.  But no matter what the universe throws at us, we’re more prepared than we think.  However, we mustn’t forget that all sh*t stinks. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Channel your outer beauty.  Consider your eyes “the nipples of the face.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

That stupid look on your face is your greatest weapon.  Fight smart not hard.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If you have a constant scent of penguin skin under your nose, watch your back.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are in direct line with bullsh*t and trouble lurks around every corner.   Avoid hooded ducks on steroids. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your two flaws are that you’re too nosey not to mind other people’s business and not clever enough to protect your own.  That equals disaster.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Tongue-kiss as many strangers as you come across and gain a whole new respect for getting jumped. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Just because no one commented on your big ass bunyon doesn’t mean it went unnoticed.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You may feel a conflict between yourself and your 2nd face, this week.  It’s okay.  No one thinks you’re normal anyway. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If everything seems to be too good to be true, just wait.  You’re bound to say something to mess it all up. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you receive an anonymous greeting card in the mail with the letters “STFU” handwritten inside — God is trying to tell you something. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone will test your intelligence.  They’re checking to see if you’re as dumb as you look. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The good news is you weren’t born an asshole, so there may be hope for you yet.

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Quote of the Week:      “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”

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