Back Off, Sucka!

There comes moments in everyone’s life when you just want to tell someone to “Back Off!”  It’s not an unusual feeling and it’s not always as rude as you may think, especially if that person is doing all but verbally asking you for the reminder that they should mind their own damn business.  

Sometimes children want to tell their nagging parents to put a muzzle on and allow them to be children before being prematurely molded into old bitties.  Sometimes residents want to tell their neighbors to put blindfolds on and stop peeking out their windows when late night booty calls ring the doorbell.  Often times, co-workers want to shoot paperclips in the eyeballs of their nosy colleagues when they dig deep and pass judgment on the private events that have taken place in their associates’ personal weekend lives.  Even pets deserve a certain level of “back offage” when they demand a high level of attention.  

Everyone at some stage of the game reserves the right to be wrong, shady, introversive, keep secrets and make their own mistakes without someone else’s snotty nose minding the business that doesn’t belong to them.  There are a dozen ways to tell someone to back the hell off and lucky for you, Hottywood is here to help you figure out the proper way to get your point across!  Rude doesn’t always have to be bad.  It can be considered simply as being frank.  No matter how you spin the word, I promise you’ll only have to spin it once.  

To the mean old farts at church that can’t get with the crossroads of secular and gospel music:  Remove the batteries from your hearing aid when it comes time for the youth choir to sing their Sunday morning selection or risk the brakes on your wheelchair being tampered with.  Silence is golden

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To the single friend who has more advice to give to their coupled pals:  Spend more time worrying about why no one wants you instead of evaluating why your married associates are having trouble in paradise.  Those friends have done something well enough to get hitched that you obviously haven’t mastered yet.  Loser.     

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To the bill collector who bombards consumers with repeated phone calls and threatening telephone messages:  You should consider yourself lucky that you’re hiding behind a telephone receiver, but never underestimate the power of switchboard.com and a gang of anti-telemarketing vigilantes.  Karma’s a bitch, bitch!  

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To the school teacher whose come to a conclusion of why a student isn’t grasping the essence of a particular classroom study lesson:  The problem isn’t with the student; the problem is that you really aren’t that great of a teacher and you’re probably going to get your ass whipped at 3 o’clock by an angry parent for failing to do your job properly in teaching that child the basics.  Run for your life!   

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To the desperate round-da-way chick who keeps trying to give up the booty to anyone who’ll take it:  Nobody wants to be bothered with someone who has a VIP pass to the free clinic. 

Don’t back it up.  Back it off, huzzy!   

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To the supervisor who keeps asking his/her employee about the status of a project:  Realize that in the amount of time it takes for you to walk over to that employee’s desk, a family of baby snakes can devour the flesh of a nuisance human.  Silence speaks volumes.  

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[…and finally] To the person who simply won’t shut the hell up:  Either you stop talking or you may find yourself packing a bag for a very quick trip over a long cliff.  Hush already, will ya?  

If some of these commanding demands are a little too extreme for you to use on anyone who’s getting a little beside themselves where your business and peace of mind is concerned, then maybe you need to go somewhere and grow a backbone, because honestly more times than few, being direct is your best bet in telling someone to back the hell up and stay out of your beez-wax!  Truth be told you’re not being rude.  You’re being honest.  And if being honest is too hard for you to share with someone else, then the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself.  The second thing is to realize that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 20-September 4, 2010

The weekend is over and now it’s too late to blame your bad decisions and even worst luck on the alcohol.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s a strong chance you’ll be caught in a love triangle with two guys named Ben & Jerry. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lay off the pork skins if your back looks like two butt cheeks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are what you eat, so examine everyone and everything you’re sleeping with. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as sh*t in math. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only time you should turn the other cheek is if you’re referring to your ass getting smacked. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

If people ignore you when you speak, consider it a compliment.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Stupidity will come out of your mouth like gas after a McDonald’s value meal. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’ll get more dates as long as one of those potentials are missing one of the most important five senses. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will get a special birthday gift in the form of a traffic citation. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Multiply the number of times you fart in a day by the number of times you tell a lie.  That’s how many times someone will talk about you behind your back tomorrow. 

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Quote of the Week:    “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.”  

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 22-28, 2010

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.  Meanwhile, you have to remember that you still have your own crap to deal with.  Lucky for you there’s always a HORRORscope to help you prepare for the worst.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The success of your current relationship is measured by the amount of hair growing on your knee caps. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will grow a mole on your butt the size of Danny DeVito. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Pick a number between 1 and 10.  That’s the number of times you are likely to fart in your sleep. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The only person who is willing to listen to your side of the story is deaf. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’ll have the pleasure of deciding which is sweeter; Victory or Revenge.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Anyone who asks, “Hello, how are you?” simply has nothing better to say, because we all know they really don’t care. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will attract someone whose biggest fetish is the smell of your armpits on Sunday morning. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your outfits will look as if they were picked out by Stevie Wonder. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking in circles is your greatest weapon in a battle against those who walk the straight and narrow.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Stupidity is enough to get you in a mess, but it’s not guaranteed to get you out of it. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Don’t have a battle of the wits with an unarmed opponent. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 8-14, 2010

Many times, as you prepare to embark on a life-changing experience, one of your armpits perspire more than the other.  That’s what we call the element of surprise.  Life has a funny way of playing those kinds of pranks on people.  Before you turn around, drop your pants and moon the “element of surprise,” here’s your chance to get a jump on what other tricks life has up its sleeve. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A muppet dies every time you lie to a bill collector. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re great at keeping secrets as long as no one’s around to talk to you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen for a round of applause every time you flush the toilet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

One can always tell the type of sh*t you’re into by the stinky trail you leave behind. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Same crap, different toilet. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Stupid people need love too, just not from you.  Unless, of course, you’re as stupid as they are. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of pigeons wearing false eyelashes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Somewhere in the world, a village is missing its idiot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Science dictates that you are likely to be uninvited to your own party.  Bacon is on sale at your local market. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to make a name for yourself 600,000 brillo pads from today.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re an excellent liar.  You’ll lie about lying if you have to.  Also, your socks don’t match what you’re wearing but you’ll probably say you meant to do that. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Deception is necessary in order to capture a true spirit. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” 
 

Pep Talk: This Too Shall Pass

I often preach that every day can’t be full of peaches and cream, and my days are no exception to the rule.  In fact, today in particular, seems to be the day when everyone wants to kick me while I’m down.  Today I’ve been talked about, lied on, challenged, rejected, and underestimated.  I gotta tell you, I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t like feeling like I’m in a constant battle with no army; feeling attacked and insecure.  Though I’m a firm believer in the motto, “THIS TOO SHALL PASS,” it ain’t over until it’s over.  And until it’s really over, the sh*t still hurts.     

Now I might feel a moment of defeat in this never-ending millisecond of a day but I’m pretty sure that when the right sized brick bounces off my noggin, reality will set in and I’ll regain my rightful place in the land of “F*ck Them All,”  …that is after the mild concussion subsides from that damn brick falling on my head.   

Even still, life is hard — some days moreso than others.  But ask yourself, “If it were easy, would it be worth it?”  I don’t think so.  My cowboy hat may not have the biggest brim and my jeans may not have the sharpest crease but I declare that the spurs on my boots are as sharp as they come and I’m still the fastest draw in the west! 

Listen; the truth of the matter is sometimes we have to get kicked – all of us, myself included.  It reminds us of how strong we are.  It also gives us a good enough reason to swing a monkey wrench.  Monkey wrenches come in handy for screwing up someone else’s plan and partaking in any form of revenge

I might feel bad now but it’s only for a moment.  A long moment but a moment nonetheless.  So keep kicking me, b*tches, so I can keep swinging this wrench!  I need the occasional reminder that my journey is worth the fight and nobody can protect me but me.  There may be nothing I don’t know but I don’t know everything.  [#Oxymoronism at its best.]  What I do know is when the troops are no longer standing behind me, I have the biggest weapon of them all watching over me from on high.  And I dare anyone to challenge that.  

As long as I’m focused on my goal, strong in my faith and have $4.55 in my pocket to buy some chicken wings when this emotional moment has passed, I’m good.  No…I’m great!  I’m blessed.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that when times are at their lowest peak it makes the end result so much more worth the victory dance.  The best part of remembering the good news is that 90% of any effort is getting started.  

Hey, even a man with all the answers needs a little pep talk from time to time.  And I have no problem talking to myself because I am my own best listener and I make the best sense to me. 

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Quote of the week:   “Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.”