Many times, as you prepare to embark on a life-changing experience, one of your armpits perspire more than the other.  That’s what we call the element of surprise.  Life has a funny way of playing those kinds of pranks on people.  Before you turn around, drop your pants and moon the “element of surprise,” here’s your chance to get a jump on what other tricks life has up its sleeve. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A muppet dies every time you lie to a bill collector. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re great at keeping secrets as long as no one’s around to talk to you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen for a round of applause every time you flush the toilet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

One can always tell the type of sh*t you’re into by the stinky trail you leave behind. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Same crap, different toilet. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Stupid people need love too, just not from you.  Unless, of course, you’re as stupid as they are. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of pigeons wearing false eyelashes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Somewhere in the world, a village is missing its idiot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Science dictates that you are likely to be uninvited to your own party.  Bacon is on sale at your local market. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to make a name for yourself 600,000 brillo pads from today.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re an excellent liar.  You’ll lie about lying if you have to.  Also, your socks don’t match what you’re wearing but you’ll probably say you meant to do that. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Deception is necessary in order to capture a true spirit. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.”