If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
___________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first.
___________________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window. …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.
___________________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be. More people than you think don’t care either way.
___________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool.
___________________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece.
___________________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall. Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall. See where this is headed?
___________________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are. If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it.
___________________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach.
___________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.
___________________________________________________________
Libra September 23 – October 22
Cursing is the best way to get your point across. That, and a sharp wooden stick.
___________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is.
___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”
