Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.  Meanwhile, you have to remember that you still have your own crap to deal with.  Lucky for you there’s always a HORRORscope to help you prepare for the worst.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The success of your current relationship is measured by the amount of hair growing on your knee caps. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will grow a mole on your butt the size of Danny DeVito. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Pick a number between 1 and 10.  That’s the number of times you are likely to fart in your sleep. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The only person who is willing to listen to your side of the story is deaf. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’ll have the pleasure of deciding which is sweeter; Victory or Revenge.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Anyone who asks, “Hello, how are you?” simply has nothing better to say, because we all know they really don’t care. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will attract someone whose biggest fetish is the smell of your armpits on Sunday morning. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your outfits will look as if they were picked out by Stevie Wonder. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking in circles is your greatest weapon in a battle against those who walk the straight and narrow.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Stupidity is enough to get you in a mess, but it’s not guaranteed to get you out of it. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Don’t have a battle of the wits with an unarmed opponent. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”