The weekend is over and now it’s too late to blame your bad decisions and even worst luck on the alcohol.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
There’s a strong chance you’ll be caught in a love triangle with two guys named Ben & Jerry.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Lay off the pork skins if your back looks like two butt cheeks.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You are what you eat, so examine everyone and everything you’re sleeping with.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as sh*t in math.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The only time you should turn the other cheek is if you’re referring to your ass getting smacked.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If people ignore you when you speak, consider it a compliment.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Stupidity will come out of your mouth like gas after a McDonald’s value meal.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
You’ll get more dates as long as one of those potentials are missing one of the most important five senses.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will get a special birthday gift in the form of a traffic citation.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Multiply the number of times you fart in a day by the number of times you tell a lie. That’s how many times someone will talk about you behind your back tomorrow.
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Quote of the Week: “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.”
