The weekend is over and now it’s too late to blame your bad decisions and even worst luck on the alcohol.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s a strong chance you’ll be caught in a love triangle with two guys named Ben & Jerry. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lay off the pork skins if your back looks like two butt cheeks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are what you eat, so examine everyone and everything you’re sleeping with. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as sh*t in math. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only time you should turn the other cheek is if you’re referring to your ass getting smacked. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

If people ignore you when you speak, consider it a compliment.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Stupidity will come out of your mouth like gas after a McDonald’s value meal. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’ll get more dates as long as one of those potentials are missing one of the most important five senses. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will get a special birthday gift in the form of a traffic citation. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Multiply the number of times you fart in a day by the number of times you tell a lie.  That’s how many times someone will talk about you behind your back tomorrow. 

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Quote of the Week:    “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.”