What You Think Says A Lot More Than What You Say

During our transition from adolescence to adulthood, there are many key phrases that we may hear from our friends, associates, frenemies and/or enemies.  Some of those phrases can be labeled as good if we are stupid enough not to look deeper into the true meaning of its intent. 

Nevertheless, whether you have the word “Idiot” stamped on your forehead or not, Hottywood is always somewhere lurking around to make sure you’re not caught off guard the next time someone tries to pull the wool over your eyes.  

Buckle up, babies because I’m about to take you for a ride. 

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If your friends generally call you but never have anything to talk about, chances are you need to hide your cheese, ’cause I smell a rat!   What they’re really saying by not saying anything at all is:

“Just because I call to check on you doesn’t mean I care, because I don’t.”

Whether you know it or not, just because someone is calling you doesn’t mean they have any interest in talking to you.  It’s just some people’s way of keeping you close by and on hand just in case they need you for something.  You should always keep an emergency excuse on reserve for those just-in-case moments. 

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It pays to be polite to people because you never know when you’re going to need them.  But being polite to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have to become their new BFF.  Now, let’s be real — when you ask someone how they’re doing, what are you really thinking?  I’ll tell you what you’re thinking:

“Just because I ask how your day is going doesn’t mean I care, because I don’t.”

What idiot on the planet doesn’t know that the every day question, “Hey, how are you doing?” is a matter of robotic routine for anyone who doesn’t have the balls not to care to your face? 

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We all have friends who boast about their sex lives.  Honestly, meaningless, pointless sex with random strangers and partners in the double digits is just some people’s way of feeling needed and wanted.  To the rest of us who actually respect ourselves and our bodies as temples, those people are only good enough to keep around for a laugh as well as reminders of what not to do after one too many shots of tequila.   So why don’t you share with the class what crosses your mind when your slutty friend outlines all the details of their latest one-night stand.  I bet it goes a little something like this:  

“Just because I haven’t called you a skank outloud doesn’t mean I think you’re innocent, because I don’t.”

Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.  That way, in the end, blackmail will totally work in your favor.    

The better the listener, the better the blackmail. 

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Hey, money doesn’t grow on trees.  Having said that, not too many people are stupid enough to turn down a free meal.  That is until they’ve run across that one person whose cooking tastes like old hot dog water.  Just to be nice, we try to keep our thoughts [and our vomit] to ourselves.  But burning deep within our souls is the mere thought:

“Just because I haven’t thrown up off of your food doesn’t mean I like your cooking, because I don’t.”

A lot of people believe they can do what the universe say they can’t.  Things like: cook; sing; rap; work as cashiers; and serve us food at drive thru restaurants.  No matter what the trade, a chef holding a knife has more power than a critic holding a barf bag.

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Bad jokes are just as common as a bad cold.  And also just as annoying.  Unfortunately for us, many people will take a stab in the dark at trying to put a smile on our faces.  Too bad for them that they’ve succeeded in getting us to laugh, but we’re laughing AT them, not WITH them.  So the next time someone sets you up for a “knock-knock” joke, think before you speak.   

“Just because I faked a laugh at your corny ass joke doesn’t mean I think you’re funny, because I don’t.”

Usually, this act debuts on stages all over bad dates and any office where an employee awaits his/her manager to sign their paycheck.   

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It’s true;  a lot of people speak merely because they love the sound of their own voice.  On the other hand, we love to hear them speak because it reminds us that we’re not the most stupid person in the room, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  In contrast, there are some who offer their opinion even when we haven’t asked for it, and those people are usually single.  What’s the first thing a person thinks about when someone tries to shed some light on a situation that has nothing to do with them?   Here’s what I think:

“Just because I pretended your advice solved my problem doesn’t mean I think you know what you’re talking about, because I don’t.”

Chances are you talked so much until you confused yourself into accidentally making sense.  The good news is most people will take what they can get if it means shutting you up.   

You win some; you lose some.

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Acquaintances.  Everyone has one.  But it’s the acquaintances we know the least that we want to learn more about.  Why?  Because they are the folks that will give us more to talk about at all the gatherings they aren’t invited to.  Keeping that in mind, if someone comes to your party that you’ve never really associated with, here’s what’s really on their mind:

“Just because I came to your lame ass party doesn’t mean I want to hang out with you and your whack ass friends, because I don’t. ”

A lot of people will show up to parties just see how you live, whether it be grand like the lifestyle you hype up; or shabby, like the lifestyle most people expect from you. 

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People who don’t reveal when they catch you in a lie hold tightly to their leverage because they’re simply assessing your skills at being dishonest.   Any smart person knows that a liar is more valuable as an ally than they are as an enemy.  So when you’re lying through your teeth and someone knows it, what they’re really thinking is:

“Just because I haven’t pulled your card doesn’t mean I believe you’re telling the truth, because I don’t. ”

Not putting someone on the spot is just another way of finding out who and how they really are. 

Who ever said, “…the truth will set you free.”?

Oh, and if anyone ever questions your next overly animated story, look for the nearest exit, because a setup is sure to catch you at the next red light! 

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So now that you’ve heard a few tricks of the trade, I’m curious to know what you’re thinking?   And if I were you, I’d be honest with me.  Me, being an expert at what I’m sharing with you gives me an advantage.   Just because I hipped you to the game doesn’t mean I think you’ll win, because I don’t.   But I’ll give you an “A” for effort.  Because if you haven’t learned anything else, I’m sure you’ve learned that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Where secrecy reigns, carelessness hides.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 19-25, 2010

The week is ready to settle in.  Will you lose or will you win?  Will this be the week the pimple pops or when the Final Notices stop?  With Hottywood’s HORRORscopes you never know, so you just gotta stick around for the show!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The good news is today is the day you will make the most sense.  The bad news is you’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Being cheap is the most memorable thing about you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Not matching your socks will bring you the best luck bad fashion can buy.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The dry skin on the heels of your foot will shed like cat fur.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Count to 10 backwards then fart 3 times.  That is all. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an overachiever in reverse. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The length of your toenails will determine the amount of booty-call time you’re entitled to. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Smearing ear wax on your neck like scented body oil is guaranteed to attract the love of your life…or a family of gnats. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The hairs of your underarms will intertwine like unkempt dred locs, which is sure to make for a bad day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A patch of hair, full of dandruff, will grow on your left butt cheek at the stroke of midnight.  Avoid sexual relations for 2100 minutes. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

sihT si tahw elpoep raeh nehw uoy nepo ruoy htuom ot kaeps.  Ebonics has nothing on you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You will be cursed with the bladder of a 6 y/o…or a 96 y/o.  …same thing.  Either way, it’s a bad week for romance. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”  

 

If the Skin Fits…

Being comfortable in your own skin is never easy to do, no matter who may try to convince you otherwise.  It’s not impossible, by far.  For some it’s a skill that they were born with.  For others, it takes a lifetime to learn.  And sadly there are those who never find their comfort zone.  It doesn’t lessen who you are.  In fact, treading on unfamiliar territory within yourself pushes you into a determination to find something better for and within yourself.  The trick is finding that something for the purpose and benefit for you, though.  Not for anyone else. 
 
People will try to pull out a better you for them.  They’ll try to mold you into what they think you should be.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all for malicious intent.  You may think so if you’re not one of those kinds of people who are acclimated to criticism and change, but if you spend too much time worrying about who is not happy with who and how you are, you’ll never find the time to change what you’re not happy with about yourself. 
 
Sometimes you just may have to listen to other people’s proposals because believe it or not, their very suggestions may be just what you need to be contented with you.  Keep in mind that I said “sometimes,” because there are definitely those moments where you have to be strong enough to say “F*ck what you think. This is who I am; like or leave it.”  But when you think about it, if you’re strong enough to tell someone to “f*ck off,” how insecure are you really?  Does your insecurity become a game of mind over matter or are you just lucky enough to run across that one person whose mastered skill is to convince you that you are not as good as you are…or need to be? 
 
The bottom line is that you have all the answers you need to answer all the questions that have you second-guessing yourself, but you need to be the one to ask those questions.  Don’t leave it up to someone else.  Because if you leave it up to them, they can put you in a much darker place than you’d be without their help.  Being at ease within your own skin doesn’t mean making someone else comfortable with you.  That’s false advertisement and you’d only be selling yourself short.  No one’s going to pay that price but you.  What it does mean is that you have to develop thicker skin.  This is probably a good time to suggest lathering your body in shellac, but truth be told that’s probably not environmentally safe, so that only leaves you to do it the old-fashioned way — toughen up, Jack!   You came into this world by yourself – unless you’re a twin, triplet, quadruplet, quintuplet…you get my point so that’s probably not a good analogy.  Ah screw it.  In the game of life, it’s generally every man for himself.  And if you don’t have the chops to be who you are, even confident in your own insecurities, then chances are you’re screwed and you just need to sit your weak ass down.  I’m just kidding.  …a little bit of tough love. 
 
Using that example, though, I bet you wanted to tell me to go shove it (you better not, but I bet you wanted to).  That’s the inner strength you need to tap into in order to be complacent with being who you are for you.  Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  People are going to have perceptions about you whether they make it known or not, but if you had to choose between them and yourself, who would you put first?  The only answer should be “you.”  If it’s not, then try harder.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  As long as there’s comfort in knowing that bit of truth, your victory is just around the corner, along with the satisfaction of telling your nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo, bitches.”

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Quote of the week:   “No one will have faith in you if you don’t have it within yourself.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 12-18, 2010

Gas that blows in rooms so small with a scent so strong it could tear down a wall, and all crazy ladies pinch your ass, not your cheeks.  This is what you have in store this week.

But the good news is with my help, you can prepare for the worst! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Reading the ‘Want Ads’ will only remind you of the skills you don’t have. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Thinking small merely measures the size of your brain, you underachiever

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You are liable to have an uncanny allergic reaction to back wax. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Being chased by a mob of angry bill collectors would be better than the week you have ahead of you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Talking to yourself doesn’t mean you’re crazy.  It’s just proof that there is someone dumb enough who’s willing to listen to your nonsense.   

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It may be time for a pedicure if you have mushrooms growing between your toes.   

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The next time an annoyingly chipper and pesky person utters the words, “Good morning,” to you — simply reply, “It was, wasn’t it?” 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Beware of scoundrels baring two first names.  If YOU have two first names, well…nevermind. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s no fair starting off every conversation with, “I…,” if you don’t end them with the words “…should drive off a cliff.” 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Be a good samaritan and offer to be the designated driver for all of your drunk friends as long as they pay you in booze. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The one day that every unbelieveably attractive person speaks to you is the very day your breath will smell its worst.  

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today’s conversations provide proof of miracles, beginning with the person to whom you’re speaking being awake. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Every expert begins as an amateur.”