Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 12-18, 2010

Gas that blows in rooms so small with a scent so strong it could tear down a wall, and all crazy ladies pinch your ass, not your cheeks.  This is what you have in store this week.

But the good news is with my help, you can prepare for the worst! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Reading the ‘Want Ads’ will only remind you of the skills you don’t have. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Thinking small merely measures the size of your brain, you underachiever

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You are liable to have an uncanny allergic reaction to back wax. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Being chased by a mob of angry bill collectors would be better than the week you have ahead of you. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Talking to yourself doesn’t mean you’re crazy.  It’s just proof that there is someone dumb enough who’s willing to listen to your nonsense.   

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It may be time for a pedicure if you have mushrooms growing between your toes.   

______________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The next time an annoyingly chipper and pesky person utters the words, “Good morning,” to you — simply reply, “It was, wasn’t it?” 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Beware of scoundrels baring two first names.  If YOU have two first names, well…nevermind. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s no fair starting off every conversation with, “I…,” if you don’t end them with the words “…should drive off a cliff.” 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Be a good samaritan and offer to be the designated driver for all of your drunk friends as long as they pay you in booze. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The one day that every unbelieveably attractive person speaks to you is the very day your breath will smell its worst.  

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today’s conversations provide proof of miracles, beginning with the person to whom you’re speaking being awake. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Every expert begins as an amateur.”  

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s