The week is ready to settle in.  Will you lose or will you win?  Will this be the week the pimple pops or when the Final Notices stop?  With Hottywood’s HORRORscopes you never know, so you just gotta stick around for the show!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The good news is today is the day you will make the most sense.  The bad news is you’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Being cheap is the most memorable thing about you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Not matching your socks will bring you the best luck bad fashion can buy.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The dry skin on the heels of your foot will shed like cat fur.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Count to 10 backwards then fart 3 times.  That is all. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an overachiever in reverse. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The length of your toenails will determine the amount of booty-call time you’re entitled to. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Smearing ear wax on your neck like scented body oil is guaranteed to attract the love of your life…or a family of gnats. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The hairs of your underarms will intertwine like unkempt dred locs, which is sure to make for a bad day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A patch of hair, full of dandruff, will grow on your left butt cheek at the stroke of midnight.  Avoid sexual relations for 2100 minutes. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

sihT si tahw elpoep raeh nehw uoy nepo ruoy htuom ot kaeps.  Ebonics has nothing on you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You will be cursed with the bladder of a 6 y/o…or a 96 y/o.  …same thing.  Either way, it’s a bad week for romance. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”