Handle your problems and handle with care in comfort in knowing Hottywood will be there; standing close by to answer your call when your luck for the better takes a clumsy fall.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Watch your back. You will be bombarded with hate mail from people to whom you owe money.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Unibrows are making a comeback.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
This is a good week for setting mouse traps while wearing open-toed shoes. Especially if you have ugly feet.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The truth shall set you free. Be honest with someone even if it means lying to them.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There’s no reason to argue with anyone as long as you believe you’re right. Anything beyond that is a waste of time.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Settle any problem with a pair of inflatable boxing gloves. Insert visual [–>HERE<–].
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Today is a good day to start a new habit. End every sentence and question with the word, “Dammit.”
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean no one’s out to get you.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Looking for love in all the wrong places may be wrong, but it sure is fun.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Don’t trust a woman with hair on her breasts.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Take pictures of yourself during an office staff meeting. Wardrobe changes add a dramatic effect.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It’s time to play a little game. Stand really close to people and sniff them sporadically. Try to guess what kind of deotorant they’re wearing.
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Quote of the Week: “After the game is over, the king and the pawn still go into the same box.”
