Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 17-23, 2010

We took a moment for the simple sake of finding a quick route escape from Karma’s jokes and Luck’s sour jingle, only to be greeted with Destiny’s middle finger.  “F” you back, you three bitches!  You’ve cast your spell like three old witches.  We’ve no choice but to find out what all this voodoo is all about.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All the things you really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.  What a life.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Donuts are proof of all things good in the world.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Today’s promise is tomorrow’s restraining order.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your street cred is null and void because contrary to popular belief, having a paper cut does not equate to being stabbed by a shank.    

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s not a good thing if your foot stench is strong enough to be smelled over the speaker of a cell phone. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be cursed to have a bunch of first dates with people who are only familiar with five-finger discounts & sale prices at the thrift store.  Hide your wallet until the checks come. You’re fronting the bills.    

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Paper cuts – much like people – remind you just how annoying little pricks can be.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

All of your socks will give off an aroma that will only attract canines.  Avoid fire hydrants and raw hide. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Being wrinkled is your contribution to paying homage to a trailer park community. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Draw a dart board on your forehead.  It’ll be easier for people to find the perfect spot to smack when you  say something inevitably stupid – again. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re going to deal with a lot of sh*t today.  If you’re lucky, public restrooms will remind you of all the comforts of home, minus the ring around the toilet seats.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You may be at risk of being your own best friend and your own worst enemy.  Ah who are we kidding?  You are your only friend with a village of enemies. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Don’t keep anyone guessing for too long – they’re sure to seek the answer some place else.”

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