We took a moment for the simple sake of finding a quick route escape from Karma’s jokes and Luck’s sour jingle, only to be greeted with Destiny’s middle finger. “F” you back, you three bitches! You’ve cast your spell like three old witches. We’ve no choice but to find out what all this voodoo is all about.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
All the things you really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. What a life.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Donuts are proof of all things good in the world.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Today’s promise is tomorrow’s restraining order.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your street cred is null and void because contrary to popular belief, having a paper cut does not equate to being stabbed by a shank.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
It’s not a good thing if your foot stench is strong enough to be smelled over the speaker of a cell phone.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You may be cursed to have a bunch of first dates with people who are only familiar with five-finger discounts & sale prices at the thrift store. Hide your wallet until the checks come. You’re fronting the bills.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Paper cuts – much like people – remind you just how annoying little pricks can be.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
All of your socks will give off an aroma that will only attract canines. Avoid fire hydrants and raw hide.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Being wrinkled is your contribution to paying homage to a trailer park community.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
Draw a dart board on your forehead. It’ll be easier for people to find the perfect spot to smack when you say something inevitably stupid – again.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You’re going to deal with a lot of sh*t today. If you’re lucky, public restrooms will remind you of all the comforts of home, minus the ring around the toilet seats.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You may be at risk of being your own best friend and your own worst enemy. Ah who are we kidding? You are your only friend with a village of enemies.
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Quote of the Week: “Don’t keep anyone guessing for too long – they’re sure to seek the answer some place else.”
