We are about to explore some uncovered territory in the form of animated debauchery. Let the truth be told, I really don’t know who has it worse – kids of yesteryear or the children of today.
There are so many limitations on what the average drunken, horny or outright imbecilic person can watch on television that the FCC hasn’t bothered to take a look at what’s been viewed on the Cartoon Network or the Boomerang channel for the last umpteen years. Let’s begin with a blast from the past, shall we?
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Smurfette – Everybody loves those blue little rodents that are no bigger than a fungus plant. But has anyone ever bothered to wonder what the smurfs do for fun? I’ll tell you what they do for fun. They do Smurfette! C’mon. Think about it. A hot, feisty, blond-haired blue-bodied female smurf in a village full of men and she has NO competition?
Why do you think the smurfs sing that La-La-La song all the damn time? Don’t you feel like singing the morning after you’ve gotten laid? And where did the baby smurfs come from? Let’s face it. Smurfette is Papa Smurf’s #1 bitch and he’s making a killing off of pimping her out to all the other little blue dudes. And Gargamel keeps attacking them because he can’t get any. Either that or he’s just trying to shut them up from all that moaning and groaning they have going on in the mushroom village. And speaking of mushrooms, isn’t that a form of a euphoric drug – kinda like E-pills? Hmmmmm… Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Talk about a natural high. Geez.
Scooby Doo & Shaggy – First and foremost there’s nothing worse than a scaredy-cat dog. Not only was the Scooby gang too stupid to make a profit off of solving ridiculous crimes, they weren’t bright enough to put Scooby’s ass to work. I mean seriously, how many talking mutts do you know? Scooby was an ol’ punk and freakishly close to Shaggy. They cuddled. They hugged. They even drank from the same cup. Scooby Doo and Shaggy introduced young, impressionable minds to the world of bestiality. They probably confused more poor kids than they did entertain. And to be honest with you, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for a Scooby Snack. And Shaggy was the first person to start that Scooby snack craze; something similar to tainted brownies.
Big Bird – Big Bird had to be the gayest flamer on Sesame Street. He was just one big old queen. His voice was higher than a dog whistle and his body was covered in an oversized yellow boa. He’d have probably worn high heels if he wasn’t so frikkin’ tall, but hey, that never stopped Dennis Rodman. Gay or not, he somehow managed to keep his big ass on the red carpet. Go figure!
Well Big Bird, the only advice I can offer you is to watch out for greedy chicken lovers. Cause your sexuality will have no baring on a mofo’s plate if you apply the right amount of flour, grease, salt and pepper.
Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny — Daffy and Bugs are two of televisions most favorite cartoons. They’re both extremely witty and probably two of the coolest talking animals you’d ever want to be scared to hang out with. But despite their hilarious practical jokes, crunchy carrots and spit induced clever comments; this competing rabbit and duck act are some very butch cross-dressers. They’re not gay…well, when they’re not kissing the non-talking – Elmer Fudd – on the lips before running for their lives…
And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay. You are who you are, whether you’re a man, woman, duck or bunny rabbit; but I’m not convinced on the cross-dressing thing. That’s just down right confusing. And somehow getting a duck or a rabbit to wear 4” heels isn’t helping to make the ‘drag thing’ a catchy phenomenon in the hetero arena, especially when your viewing audience is a bunch of impressionable school-aged kids. That’s all folks.
Stewie Griffin — What can we not say about little Stewie Griffin from Family Guy? He’s a genius, slightly narcissistic toddler with a deep rooted hatred for his mom and sister; has a bit of a retro racist flare and an adolescent sexual confusion for both genders. Can you get any more classic than that?
But despite his hang-ups, one thing you must say about the little bugger is that he always speaks his mind and keeps it real…whether he’s right or politically incorrect. And let’s not omit the fact that he has got to be the most humorous little thing on TV.
Now on the flip side, Stewie sends out a message to toddlers who happen to be well-spoken geniuses that it’s okay to be narcissistic and hate everything and everyone that isn’t like-minded. He also carries all the characteristics of a potential serial killer. But then again, I guess you don’t have to be a Stewie Griffin for that. Off the top of my head, I can name about 10 mofos just like that, minus a talking canine companion and a baby stroller. I guess it’s just funnier in crayon.
We could probably go on and on with a list of questionable cartoons that we allow our kids to watch that are really no different from 2004’s Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Superbowl XXXVIII fiasco.
But I guess as long as kids are quiet and out of a guardian’s hair long enough to talk on the phone, skim through pages of a dirty magazine or sneak a few extra cheese curls down their throats, there’s no real cause for concern. I mean there are only a few kabillion children in the world…a great deal of them with access to television. Nothing to raise an eyebrow over.
It doesn’t take 90% of any effort to get started to realize that something’s not right here.
Quote of the Day: “
The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.”