Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week.  Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.”  So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time.  They will both be hermaphrodite midgets. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye.  Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings.  …Family included.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay.  Don’t worry about it.  Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.” 

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One thought on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

  1. Pingback: Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010 · The Leather and Fetish News

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