Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 28-December 4, 2010

The holidays are here.  Thanksgiving leftovers are still good.  And no one this week has been mugged in your hood.  Your weekend was brighter with no alarm clock madness until you woke up this morning and realized that sh*t still happens. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

For a change of pace, apply a considerable amount of extra strength holding spray to your pubic hair.  But whatever you do, don’t share your experience with anyone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In order to be viewed as the “life of the party,” fake an award-winning adaptation of food poisoning.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Face yourself in a mirror and repeat the following words three times: “You’re screwed.” ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No shoes made of paper will carry you a great distance — especially in the rain. Beware of athlete’s foot & toe fungus.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You may be surrounded by people who have nothing on their mind and a mouthful to say. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A bitch in a dress wears the pants.  ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A baby bunyon will grow on your foot for every lie you tell on Sundays between the hours of 10-2 o’clock.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You might as well act like an ass if people are going to accuse you of being one.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Tonight’s luck is only the beginning of a series of pathetic events to take place, beginning with tomorrow’s morning after.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Pat yourself on the back if you’ve ever wrecked a happy home.  Now remember that Karma is a bitch. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

This week you will feel two of life’s greatest pleasures: (1) getting the last laugh and (2) sex with the only person who believes your sh*t doesn’t stink — you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Take wing with someone who’s more screwed up than you are in order to realize that your selfish ass isn’t the only one in the world with problems. ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “If you make a wish over burning onions, it will come true.” 

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Game Spotting Game: Key Tips for a Professional Bullsh*t Detective

Some say life is a joke.  I say it’s a game.  It’s a game where the winner is determined by how much better that winner is at bullsh*tting than his competition.  

A lot of people aren’t blessed with the natural born ability to bullsh*t.  There are some – some with great and powerful names who shall remain nameless but are often found in the world of politics, business, religion and entertainment – who use their bullsh*tting skills as a weapon.  It comes natural to them.  It’s their superpower that they only reveal when their faces are covered with masks and their backs donned with capes.  And though spotting bullsh*t is easiest to those who were born with the gift, it isn’t difficult to master the skill as long as you know what signs to watch out for.  

So here, ladies and gentlemen, is where Hottywood Helps once again.  

The first thing to understand is that there are many things one chooses to think about the art of bullsh*tting.  They think of it scandalous; brutal; shifty; sneaky, fishy; slandering and even detrimental.  But the one thing they choose not to do is respect it.  Respect it in all its glory; the good, the bad and the ugly.  Let me elaborate. 

In order to respect the game, there are a few things you have to do.  They may seem grueling at first, but once you’ve mastered the skill, it’s a breeze; a pure walk in the park.  

When coming across someone who is likely to hand you a load of crap on a silver platter, the first thing to look out for is the eyes.  

The eyes are the window to the soul.  Regardless of the words regurgitating from the mouth, the eyes will always reveal all.  That’s why it’s important to always keep eye contact no matter how ugly the person may be [inside or out].  This is your formal introduction to your opponent.  It sets the battle ground.  The eyes set the pace for all players on the field and represent power of authority; control; confidence; persuasion and conviction.  They are also the dead give away for weakness and loopholes.  No matter how much one may think otherwise, the eyes will be the downfall of the enemy.  But bare in mind that you are no different from your opposition and that your eyes may also lead to your own undoing. 

Know where you stand at all times and let your eyes be the anchor of your security.   If you must lie, lie well and if you must bullsh*t, be the best at it. 

___________________________________________________

The second thing to be aware of when one opts to challenge you in a game of life is the grip in their handshake.   The handshake is not just customary, it’s revealing. 

The handshake appears in many forms: the hand wave; the head nod – mostly displayed in the male urban community; the secret handshake, accompanied with a manly one-armed hug – common among men all over the planet; and finally that fake ass hug women give to each other when they smell the stench of another feline invading their territory.  But for now we’ll simply discuss the greeting from any reputable form of business or professional personal ethic.  

When meeting someone for the first time, three things are told by the grip in the handshake; (1) Strength, (2) Self Assurance, and (3) Confidence.  The same rules and explanations that apply to direct eye contact also applies to the handshake, but of course, a handshake is not a window to the soul.  Whatever the case, be strong in yourself.  Be assertive.  Maintain control.  You’ll find that people will take you a little more seriously if you don’t shake their hand like a lil’ ol’ sissy being helped up or down a flight of stairs.  Even a punk has to know when to man up. 

Hold firm to that grip because that grip will represent how strong you’ll hold to your word. 

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The third and most important thing to always do is to look with your ears.  In other words, LISTEN!  

Most people will talk and talk in an effort to beat around the bush.  They will talk so much until they eventually trip and fall and land with their foot in their mouths.  You just have to know what to listen for; 

  • listen for their choice of words;
  • the rise in pitch as it relates to the choice of their words; 
  • defensiveness and offense;
  • inconsistencies; 
  • evasion tactics to questions and comments you may have for them; 
  • broken sentences; and
  • words like, “um,” “hmm,” “wow,” “oh,” and “but.”  These words are prime indicators that your opponent is trying to buy him/herself more time to cough up a good ass lie or excuse.   

If you listen carefully enough, you will be able to pinpoint all of the “one-hit-wonders” of responses a person will muster up to cover their own tracks.  They will stutter; turn a serious circumstance into a laughing matter; and will try their very best to flip the situation on you so that their contradiction becomes your fault.  

A person who is charging you with all of these forms of prevarication is either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid.  So it’s up to you to learn how to read between the lines and determine what they are saying by what they are actually not saying at all.  Decipher their motive.  Learn their hustle.  And then fight fire with fire!  

Always remember that everyone has a plan, including you.  Your competition is always sizing you up to determine how stupid you are and how much they can get away with, so step outside of the situation and consider yourself a silent third party on a 3-way telephone conversation.  You’ll hear a lot and you’ll learn a lot more.  And that will almost always put you ahead of the pack.  

If you think what you’ve learned here is a lot to digest, don’t worry.  Keep two things in mind: 

  1. Every expert begins as an amateur, and
  2. 90% of any effort is getting started. 

___________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

In Search of Non-Morning Person Support Group

Seems to me I remember sharing with the world how much of a morning person I am not some time back in 2009.  Still, all my mornings pretty much begin the same – brutal traffic that points its finger and laughs at me as I cuss all the way to work; stale bagels; and yesterday’s coffee.  Today seems to be as good a day as any to reiterate how much I despise people who bombard me with useless conversation about how they are doing when it’s clearly marked on my forehead how much I don’t give a damn; customers who call the office first thing in the morning to ask questions they seem to already know the answers to; and coworkers who are not considerate enough to let me take my coat off before pawning their work off on me so they can play endless games of internet Bejeweled.  

Perhaps if my night ended in a peaceful manner, filled with salty french fries, a throwback comedic marathon, like “I Love Lucy”, and a foot massage from a rich princess who runs a country somewhere in the tropics and looks like Kim Kardashian, I wouldn’t feel like coming to work with a machine gun full of bubblicious chewing gum and stink bomb pellets.  Alas, I’m not that lucky, and neither are those people who float across my threshold on cloud 9 any time before high noon – aka, lunch!  Especially if they aren’t toting a box of piping hot Popeyes chicken or seemed to have left their manners at home and omitted to say, “Good morning,” before tossing words around like, “I need you to,” and “I know you’re busy but…”  Those are the people who get their car doors scratched with a pair of keys or accidentally runs over a glass bottle of Millers Genuine Draft without any idea of what kind of non-morning person would do such a thing to them. 

Now by mid-day when my mood has calmed and my taste buds have settled on what it desires for the lunch time fix, a whole new wave of gripe and grudge takes over my body once my eyelids have become heavy and the clock does anything but move its big hand closer to the 12 and the little hand on the 5.  This is around the time when office colleagues, business vendors, and out-of-office meeting guests should all enter my personal space with caution.  To put it mildly, only approach me if wearing a suit of armor while holding a bungee cord to assist me in an early dismissal of work through the 17th floor window.  But seriously, what are the chances of that happening?  If your answer is “little to none” much like my answer is, there is an alternative solution.  Boredom is the next overwhelming feeling after passing the I Don’t Want to Be Here stage of the day.   Here’s when practical joke mode kicks in.  

Accidentally jam the photocopier, fill all the toilet bowls in the building with Bounty paper towels or make prank 911 calls from your boss’ desk phone and just sit back and wait for the fun part to begin.   

I would’ve included a nice clip of an overflowing toilet but you did just eat your lunch in the previous paragraph and that simply would’ve been another mess for you to clean up before quitting time.  At any rate the day must go on if you wish to continue receiving your paychecks.  So as much as I would love to sit here and continue telling you how much of a morning person I am not, or an afternoon person for that matter, I must dust off my glue gun and stick some folders to the bottom of the file cabinet in hopes to never see them again.  But if you have some time, let’s meet up after work for a drink.  By then I will be in the jolliest of moods and won’t mind so much stupid comments, selfish company or inconsiderate people because I’ll be too consumed by alcohol to give a sh*t.  

Five o’clock isn’t that far away.  I can make it.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  

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Quote of the week:    “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that.  It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”   -Drew Carey

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.”