The weekend has passed and Monday is here. Good luck has left and bad luck is near. There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope. Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored. Pout now; gloat later.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.
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September 23 – October 22
Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then. And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up. You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.
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Quote of the Week: “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.”
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