We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak. An old routine that’s always played the same. Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music. It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.” It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife. Imagination is everything.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are. This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator. Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule. It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave!
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Quote of the Week: “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.”
