Game Spotting Game: Key Tips for a Professional Bullsh*t Detective

Some say life is a joke.  I say it’s a game.  It’s a game where the winner is determined by how much better that winner is at bullsh*tting than his competition.  

A lot of people aren’t blessed with the natural born ability to bullsh*t.  There are some – some with great and powerful names who shall remain nameless but are often found in the world of politics, business, religion and entertainment – who use their bullsh*tting skills as a weapon.  It comes natural to them.  It’s their superpower that they only reveal when their faces are covered with masks and their backs donned with capes.  And though spotting bullsh*t is easiest to those who were born with the gift, it isn’t difficult to master the skill as long as you know what signs to watch out for.  

So here, ladies and gentlemen, is where Hottywood Helps once again.  

The first thing to understand is that there are many things one chooses to think about the art of bullsh*tting.  They think of it scandalous; brutal; shifty; sneaky, fishy; slandering and even detrimental.  But the one thing they choose not to do is respect it.  Respect it in all its glory; the good, the bad and the ugly.  Let me elaborate. 

In order to respect the game, there are a few things you have to do.  They may seem grueling at first, but once you’ve mastered the skill, it’s a breeze; a pure walk in the park.  

When coming across someone who is likely to hand you a load of crap on a silver platter, the first thing to look out for is the eyes.  

The eyes are the window to the soul.  Regardless of the words regurgitating from the mouth, the eyes will always reveal all.  That’s why it’s important to always keep eye contact no matter how ugly the person may be [inside or out].  This is your formal introduction to your opponent.  It sets the battle ground.  The eyes set the pace for all players on the field and represent power of authority; control; confidence; persuasion and conviction.  They are also the dead give away for weakness and loopholes.  No matter how much one may think otherwise, the eyes will be the downfall of the enemy.  But bare in mind that you are no different from your opposition and that your eyes may also lead to your own undoing. 

Know where you stand at all times and let your eyes be the anchor of your security.   If you must lie, lie well and if you must bullsh*t, be the best at it. 

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The second thing to be aware of when one opts to challenge you in a game of life is the grip in their handshake.   The handshake is not just customary, it’s revealing. 

The handshake appears in many forms: the hand wave; the head nod – mostly displayed in the male urban community; the secret handshake, accompanied with a manly one-armed hug – common among men all over the planet; and finally that fake ass hug women give to each other when they smell the stench of another feline invading their territory.  But for now we’ll simply discuss the greeting from any reputable form of business or professional personal ethic.  

When meeting someone for the first time, three things are told by the grip in the handshake; (1) Strength, (2) Self Assurance, and (3) Confidence.  The same rules and explanations that apply to direct eye contact also applies to the handshake, but of course, a handshake is not a window to the soul.  Whatever the case, be strong in yourself.  Be assertive.  Maintain control.  You’ll find that people will take you a little more seriously if you don’t shake their hand like a lil’ ol’ sissy being helped up or down a flight of stairs.  Even a punk has to know when to man up. 

Hold firm to that grip because that grip will represent how strong you’ll hold to your word. 

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The third and most important thing to always do is to look with your ears.  In other words, LISTEN!  

Most people will talk and talk in an effort to beat around the bush.  They will talk so much until they eventually trip and fall and land with their foot in their mouths.  You just have to know what to listen for; 

  • listen for their choice of words;
  • the rise in pitch as it relates to the choice of their words; 
  • defensiveness and offense;
  • inconsistencies; 
  • evasion tactics to questions and comments you may have for them; 
  • broken sentences; and
  • words like, “um,” “hmm,” “wow,” “oh,” and “but.”  These words are prime indicators that your opponent is trying to buy him/herself more time to cough up a good ass lie or excuse.   

If you listen carefully enough, you will be able to pinpoint all of the “one-hit-wonders” of responses a person will muster up to cover their own tracks.  They will stutter; turn a serious circumstance into a laughing matter; and will try their very best to flip the situation on you so that their contradiction becomes your fault.  

A person who is charging you with all of these forms of prevarication is either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid.  So it’s up to you to learn how to read between the lines and determine what they are saying by what they are actually not saying at all.  Decipher their motive.  Learn their hustle.  And then fight fire with fire!  

Always remember that everyone has a plan, including you.  Your competition is always sizing you up to determine how stupid you are and how much they can get away with, so step outside of the situation and consider yourself a silent third party on a 3-way telephone conversation.  You’ll hear a lot and you’ll learn a lot more.  And that will almost always put you ahead of the pack.  

If you think what you’ve learned here is a lot to digest, don’t worry.  Keep two things in mind: 

  1. Every expert begins as an amateur, and
  2. 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death.”

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2 thoughts on “Game Spotting Game: Key Tips for a Professional Bullsh*t Detective

  1. “A lot of people aren’t blessed with the natural born ability to bullsh*t.”

    Wish it wasn’t true but I agree, so far my learning acumen in this department is a complete failure. The ability to pixie dust away the concerns of others and bend their will to suit your ambition is sadly out of my grasp.

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