Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 28-December 4, 2010

The holidays are here.  Thanksgiving leftovers are still good.  And no one this week has been mugged in your hood.  Your weekend was brighter with no alarm clock madness until you woke up this morning and realized that sh*t still happens. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

For a change of pace, apply a considerable amount of extra strength holding spray to your pubic hair.  But whatever you do, don’t share your experience with anyone.



January 20 – February 18

In order to be viewed as the “life of the party,” fake an award-winning adaptation of food poisoning.  ___________________________________________________________


February 19 – March 20   

Face yourself in a mirror and repeat the following words three times: “You’re screwed.” ___________________________________________________________


March 21 – April 19 

No shoes made of paper will carry you a great distance — especially in the rain. Beware of athlete’s foot & toe fungus.



April 20 – May 20 

You may be surrounded by people who have nothing on their mind and a mouthful to say. 



May 21 – June 20 

A bitch in a dress wears the pants.  ___________________________________________________________


June 21 – July 22 

A baby bunyon will grow on your foot for every lie you tell on Sundays between the hours of 10-2 o’clock.



July 23 – August 22 

You might as well act like an ass if people are going to accuse you of being one.



August 23 – September 22 

Tonight’s luck is only the beginning of a series of pathetic events to take place, beginning with tomorrow’s morning after.  ___________________________________________________________


September 23 – October 22 

Pat yourself on the back if you’ve ever wrecked a happy home.  Now remember that Karma is a bitch. ___________________________________________________________


October 23 – November 21 

This week you will feel two of life’s greatest pleasures: (1) getting the last laugh and (2) sex with the only person who believes your sh*t doesn’t stink — you.  ___________________________________________________________


November 22 – December 21   

Take wing with someone who’s more screwed up than you are in order to realize that your selfish ass isn’t the only one in the world with problems. ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “If you make a wish over burning onions, it will come true.” 

One thought on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 28-December 4, 2010

  1. Pingback: Coolest fun movies, pics and jokes. Everyday full of new ones.

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