The holidays are here.  Thanksgiving leftovers are still good.  And no one this week has been mugged in your hood.  Your weekend was brighter with no alarm clock madness until you woke up this morning and realized that sh*t still happens. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

For a change of pace, apply a considerable amount of extra strength holding spray to your pubic hair.  But whatever you do, don’t share your experience with anyone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In order to be viewed as the “life of the party,” fake an award-winning adaptation of food poisoning.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Face yourself in a mirror and repeat the following words three times: “You’re screwed.” ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No shoes made of paper will carry you a great distance — especially in the rain. Beware of athlete’s foot & toe fungus.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You may be surrounded by people who have nothing on their mind and a mouthful to say. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A bitch in a dress wears the pants.  ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A baby bunyon will grow on your foot for every lie you tell on Sundays between the hours of 10-2 o’clock.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You might as well act like an ass if people are going to accuse you of being one.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Tonight’s luck is only the beginning of a series of pathetic events to take place, beginning with tomorrow’s morning after.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Pat yourself on the back if you’ve ever wrecked a happy home.  Now remember that Karma is a bitch. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

This week you will feel two of life’s greatest pleasures: (1) getting the last laugh and (2) sex with the only person who believes your sh*t doesn’t stink — you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Take wing with someone who’s more screwed up than you are in order to realize that your selfish ass isn’t the only one in the world with problems. ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “If you make a wish over burning onions, it will come true.”