Happy Holidays from Hottywood Helps!

It won’t be long before families gather around the Christmas tree to sing yule-tide carols off key while sipping on egg nog and telling stories of when Santa Claus used to leave children more than one gift under the tree.  And it won’t be long before angry parents or the neighborhood beggar is left standing in the cold cleaning reindeer dung from rooftops.  

And while some people will have their faces twisted at the presents they may or may not receive this Christmas, old Saint Nick is somewhere taking one final swig of Mrs. Claus’ homemade joy juice, getting his mind right for the attitudes of some bad ass kids and grumpy grandparents who will probably leave stale half eaten sugar cookies on the back porches of houses in the projects.  

I guess Santa is on to something visiting people only once a year.  If I were him, I’d probably get drunk too!   

 BEFORE

AFTER

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS ANY HOW! 

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Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions

It’s been a minute since the last time we’ve chatted, but you should know that I wasn’t off hiding in a corner somewhere licking my finger tips after stuffing my face with a handful of barbeque potato chips.  Like each and every one of you, I was off pondering the possibilities of what the new year will bring. 

Keeping in touch with the American new year tradition, I jotted down a few [New Year’s] resolutions for myself.  You know, something to strive for and aspire to.   And seeing how Christmas is trying its best to jet ski right past us, what better time than now to share those resolutions with you?!

Kats, kittens, dolls, guys and gals, I now present to you Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions!   Hope you’re as ready for the new year as I am.

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Start saying, “No.” 

I go out of my way to please people; never rejecting anyone’s requests or unreasonable favors and the only word I ever get in return is, “No.”  So let’s see how their asses feel when I return the rejected favor. 

In fact, let’s put a “Hell,” in front of that “No,” to make it more effective! 

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Drink more; hangover less.

Let’s be honest, everyone wants to be the drunk guy that gets pointed at and maliciously talked about at all the parties.  Because everyone knows that he is having the BEST time!   And it probably wouldn’t be much of a party if he wasn’t there.  So either stop hating on the drunk guy or starting throwing better parties!

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Incorporate diet fried chicken and french fries (w/ “I Believe It’s Not Salt”) into my daily diet. 

I know damn well that I’m not the only person in the world that’s in love with fried chicken.  Especially my mama’s fried chicken!  Can’t nobody fry up some wings like my mama.  Well…maybe Popeyes, ’cause they have all those eleven herbs and spices and stuff.  And possibly the Cornel, ’cause he’s not a cornel for nothing.  He’s an officer for chicken!  Oh, and then there’s Church’s Fried chicken.  You know that chicken must be touched by God.  I mean listen to the name of the product. 

Okay, okay.  I guess you see where I’m going with this.  I’m going to find a way to make greasy, home fried chicken a part of a regular healthy diet.  Or die trying! 

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Burn any and every record that features the voice of Aaron Neville. 

Alright, I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for condemning the poor guy’s music to a biochemical lava pit.  But seriously, have you heard the guy sing?  He sounds like chipmunks on steroids.

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Braid my armpit hair every 3rd Saturday of the month. 

‘Cause I like to keep people guessing!    C’mon, admit it; you know you’ve always wanted to take a peek under my arms.   That doesn’t make you weird.  It’s the other thing that makes you weird!   

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Celebrate my birthday every time I go out to eat in a restaurant so I can get a free slice of cake while the wait staff embarrassingly sings the annoying birthday song to me while jealous consumers look on and inadvertently joins in, secretly wanting a bite of the cake that I’m not going to share. 

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Belch without saying, “Excuse me.”  Oh wait; I already do that.   

Hey, don’t judge me. 

MOVING ON.  →

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Cross out anyone’s name in my phone book whose armpits and butt cheeks smell relatively the same.  

And if you think it’s cool to hang around someone who smells like a Thursday morning trash pick up, then I’m scratching your name out of the book, too!

How you like them apples?!________________________________________________________ 

Convince a convent of nuns to watch “Revenge of the Nerds” and all of its sequels.  

I have to be honest and say that I would just love to sit there and watch the expression on a nun’s face as she looks at some of the sh*t that those nerds pull on that show. 

To be quite honest with you, I worked with a nun who I think could’ve used a little humor in her life.  She was about as nice as The Grim Reaper.  About the same age too, but that’s another story. 

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Rally for world peace amongst the hamster community. 

Ah come on.  I’m not the only one who’s rallying for togetherness and furry respect amongst all rodents who runs non-stop inside a wheel.   I can understand their frustration.  They keep running and running but never get anywhere.  That would make me want to punch somebody, too. 

Dear Mr. Hamster,

Be glad you’re not a turkey.  They are born and raised to be eaten. 

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So there you have it, folks.  I strongly believe that committing to these resolutions will change my life drastically!   The hard part is sticking to the commitment.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:    “It’s bad luck to spill a drink on New Year’s eve.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 12-18, 2010

If there were ever a day to feel like crap, today would be it.  Things won’t go the way you plan and bullsh*t is imminent.  You may even lose a piece of yourself.  That’s just the way life goes.  But you’re not the only one down in the dumps.  Trust me.  Hottywood knows.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Some say its good luck when the bottom of your right foot itches. In actuality you just need to wash your feet.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing; because you’ll look really silly talking to your hands.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just somebody’s way of telling you that your opinion isn’t worth two cents.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you spend all your time waiting for someone who may never come, you will be featured in the National Inquirer for being able to communicate with a house full of cats.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Be the first one picked last so the creek can rise on all those who tries to cross before you.  There is power in patience.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A blind date will steal your stereo.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Silence isn’t golden if it turns your skin green.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The only way you’ll be able to hold on to your youth is if you can speak to it thru a jouji board.  Let it go.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be the center of attention and it will have everything to do with the hole in your pants.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Sit in a dark room and smoke one pack of cigarettes for every lie you’ve told within the last seven days.  That ought to teach you a lesson.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Be careful not to drown in the sewage of what other people think about you.  You’ll be consumed enough with what you think about yourself. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

  1. Your week consists of self-absorbed neurotic rants, stupid questions and awkward silence. And that’s before you finish your telephone conversation with mom. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 5-11, 2010

Welcome to another questionable week when good things happen only while you sleep.  Debts are unpaid, and barking dogs never stop and you break your only key in the top door lock.  Things could be different if you could foretell the troubles of the week that may give you great hell.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If your nipples are furry and differ in size, expect a miracle at 6:45 on the day of the Solstice.  If you don’t know what the Solstice is, then that miracle will reveal itself in the form of literacy. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you’ll receive a topless lap dance from a midget.  It’s a damn shame if that’s the best you can do. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dred locking your pubic hair is bad luck.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Prepare to be the center of attention.  That may have something to do with the fact that you’ll be surrounded by an angry mob of bill collectors. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

French fries will fall from the sky just as you’ve reached your ultimate sexual peak.  Please call me when that happens! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

90% of Santa’s elves are semi-functioning alcoholics, which will have a lot to do with the crappy Christmas gifts you are in store for this season. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your lucky beaver name for the week is Gazunti.  You will also have limited time in the bathroom and an overly upset stomach. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You might confuse people if you look like Tarzan, walk like Jane and smell like Cheetah.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This week you’ll walk to the beat of your own drum.  Unfortunately, you’ll still have no rhythm. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your financial situation will change thanks to a year-round sale called the “5 finger discount.” Ironically, Pee Wee Herman wears ski masks. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

People will fear you thanks to that baseball bat you have hiding behind your back.  Also, payback is a bitch and sleeps with karma

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today is not your lucky day.  Tomorrow is, only if you don’t fall down a flight of stairs, bump your head and suddenly get amnesia.  Good luck! 

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Quote of the Week:   “When all you own is a hammer, every problem starts looking like a nail.”