Welcome to another questionable week when good things happen only while you sleep.  Debts are unpaid, and barking dogs never stop and you break your only key in the top door lock.  Things could be different if you could foretell the troubles of the week that may give you great hell.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If your nipples are furry and differ in size, expect a miracle at 6:45 on the day of the Solstice.  If you don’t know what the Solstice is, then that miracle will reveal itself in the form of literacy. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you’ll receive a topless lap dance from a midget.  It’s a damn shame if that’s the best you can do. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dred locking your pubic hair is bad luck.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Prepare to be the center of attention.  That may have something to do with the fact that you’ll be surrounded by an angry mob of bill collectors. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

French fries will fall from the sky just as you’ve reached your ultimate sexual peak.  Please call me when that happens! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

90% of Santa’s elves are semi-functioning alcoholics, which will have a lot to do with the crappy Christmas gifts you are in store for this season. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your lucky beaver name for the week is Gazunti.  You will also have limited time in the bathroom and an overly upset stomach. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You might confuse people if you look like Tarzan, walk like Jane and smell like Cheetah.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

This week you’ll walk to the beat of your own drum.  Unfortunately, you’ll still have no rhythm. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your financial situation will change thanks to a year-round sale called the “5 finger discount.” Ironically, Pee Wee Herman wears ski masks. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

People will fear you thanks to that baseball bat you have hiding behind your back.  Also, payback is a bitch and sleeps with karma. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today is not your lucky day.  Tomorrow is, only if you don’t fall down a flight of stairs, bump your head and suddenly get amnesia.  Good luck! 

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Quote of the Week:   “When all you own is a hammer, every problem starts looking like a nail.”