Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 12-18, 2010

If there were ever a day to feel like crap, today would be it.  Things won’t go the way you plan and bullsh*t is imminent.  You may even lose a piece of yourself.  That’s just the way life goes.  But you’re not the only one down in the dumps.  Trust me.  Hottywood knows.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Some say its good luck when the bottom of your right foot itches. In actuality you just need to wash your feet.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing; because you’ll look really silly talking to your hands.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just somebody’s way of telling you that your opinion isn’t worth two cents.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you spend all your time waiting for someone who may never come, you will be featured in the National Inquirer for being able to communicate with a house full of cats.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Be the first one picked last so the creek can rise on all those who tries to cross before you.  There is power in patience.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A blind date will steal your stereo.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Silence isn’t golden if it turns your skin green.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The only way you’ll be able to hold on to your youth is if you can speak to it thru a jouji board.  Let it go.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be the center of attention and it will have everything to do with the hole in your pants.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Sit in a dark room and smoke one pack of cigarettes for every lie you’ve told within the last seven days.  That ought to teach you a lesson.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Be careful not to drown in the sewage of what other people think about you.  You’ll be consumed enough with what you think about yourself. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

  1. Your week consists of self-absorbed neurotic rants, stupid questions and awkward silence. And that’s before you finish your telephone conversation with mom. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

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