It’s been a minute since the last time we’ve chatted, but you should know that I wasn’t off hiding in a corner somewhere licking my finger tips after stuffing my face with a handful of barbeque potato chips. Like each and every one of you, I was off pondering the possibilities of what the new year will bring.
Keeping in touch with the American new year tradition, I jotted down a few [New Year’s] resolutions for myself. You know, something to strive for and aspire to. And seeing how Christmas is trying its best to jet ski right past us, what better time than now to share those resolutions with you?!
Kats, kittens, dolls, guys and gals, I now present to you Hottywood’s 2011 New Year’s Resolutions! Hope you’re as ready for the new year as I am.
Start saying, “No.”
I go out of my way to please people; never rejecting anyone’s requests or unreasonable favors and the only word I ever get in return is, “No.” So let’s see how their asses feel when I return the rejected favor.
In fact, let’s put a “Hell,” in front of that “No,” to make it more effective!
Drink more; hangover less.
Let’s be honest, everyone wants to be the drunk guy that gets pointed at and maliciously talked about at all the parties. Because everyone knows that he is having the BEST time! And it probably wouldn’t be much of a party if he wasn’t there. So either stop hating on the drunk guy or starting throwing better parties!
Incorporate diet fried chicken and french fries (w/ “I Believe It’s Not Salt”) into my daily diet.
I know damn well that I’m not the only person in the world that’s in love with fried chicken. Especially my mama’s fried chicken! Can’t nobody fry up some wings like my mama. Well…maybe Popeyes, ’cause they have all those eleven herbs and spices and stuff. And possibly the Cornel, ’cause he’s not a cornel for nothing. He’s an officer for chicken! Oh, and then there’s Church’s Fried chicken. You know that chicken must be touched by God. I mean listen to the name of the product.
Okay, okay. I guess you see where I’m going with this. I’m going to find a way to make greasy, home fried chicken a part of a regular healthy diet. Or die trying!
Burn any and every record that features the voice of Aaron Neville.
Alright, I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for condemning the poor guy’s music to a biochemical lava pit. But seriously, have you heard the guy sing? He sounds like chipmunks on steroids.
Braid my armpit hair every 3rd Saturday of the month.
‘Cause I like to keep people guessing! C’mon, admit it; you know you’ve always wanted to take a peek under my arms. That doesn’t make you weird. It’s the other thing that makes you weird!
Celebrate my birthday every time I go out to eat in a restaurant so I can get a free slice of cake while the wait staff embarrassingly sings the annoying birthday song to me while jealous consumers look on and inadvertently joins in, secretly wanting a bite of the cake that I’m not going to share.
Belch without saying, “Excuse me.” Oh wait; I already do that.
Hey, don’t judge me.
MOVING ON. →
Cross out anyone’s name in my phone book whose armpits and butt cheeks smell relatively the same.
And if you think it’s cool to hang around someone who smells like a Thursday morning trash pick up, then I’m scratching your name out of the book, too!
How you like them apples?!________________________________________________________
Convince a convent of nuns to watch “Revenge of the Nerds” and all of its sequels.
I have to be honest and say that I would just love to sit there and watch the expression on a nun’s face as she looks at some of the sh*t that those nerds pull on that show.
To be quite honest with you, I worked with a nun who I think could’ve used a little humor in her life. She was about as nice as The Grim Reaper. About the same age too, but that’s another story.
Rally for world peace amongst the hamster community.
Ah come on. I’m not the only one who’s rallying for togetherness and furry respect amongst all rodents who runs non-stop inside a wheel. I can understand their frustration. They keep running and running but never get anywhere. That would make me want to punch somebody, too.
Dear Mr. Hamster,
Be glad you’re not a turkey. They are born and raised to be eaten.
So there you have it, folks. I strongly believe that committing to these resolutions will change my life drastically! The hard part is sticking to the commitment. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the week: “It’s bad luck to spill a drink on New Year’s eve.”