Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

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To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 16-22, 2011

Today is a very special day as we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday.  Your bad luck may be limited, but not for long.  I’m not always right but I’m never wrong.  So grab your favorite pair of tap shoes because ill luck may not strike yet but it’s still dancing all around you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Beware of a one-eyed beetle landing in your bowl of soup on a day colder than your ex-lover’s attitude. _______________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your deotorant will smell like a bad batch of Summer’s Eve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Giant moth balls will attack the armpits of all of your most worn shirts.  Fashion is the enemy. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

People are more interested in the things you don’t say because those are the things that make the most sense.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The crown of your head may get caught in the sunroof of a car.  Joining a hair club may not be such a bad idea.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Just pretend that dumb look on your face is a temporary thing.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Laugh, and the world laughs w/ you.  Cry and everyone will just talk about how ugly your face looks when you’re not laughing.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

High-5 three people and call them ‘pond scum’ at the top of mid day, when ur attitude problem has reached its highest peak.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be stuck in a conversation with a person that doesn’t have enough of a sense of humor to accept that their forehead is the size of a dolphin’s.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A person who sees no value in a double-sided coin is neither stupid nor smart.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

When it comes to gas, it’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

There’s an old saying that makes a hell of a lot of sense: “if you mess with trash, it’ll get all over you.”  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 9-15, 2010

To all my skanks and skankette’s, too.  Here are some more HORRORscopes from me to you.  Don’t worry about a payment.  This one’s on me.  Actually all of my advice is inexpensively free.  See, I want you to be safe and prepared for bad luck; ready for anything.  No matter what.  Which is why every week I offer advice to you.  Because Hottywood is who I am and giving advice is what I do. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on a Friday. _______________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your definition of “ghetto” is about 10,000 kool-aid packets different from someone else’s.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You haven’t gotten where you are because of the things people have given you unless you’re thinking about a $50 bill, a night stand and a bottle of brown liquor. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You will have great sex with someone who will be ashamed to introduce you to their friends.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

A single cheeseburger will lead to an unusually personal relationship with about a dozen more.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Someone is praying for you to fall and break your leg not realizing that you can not make prayer your personal hitman.  Don’t worry.  Karma is still a bitch.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The only thing you can afford to pay this week is attention.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You can’t keep a good man down; and you can’t hold a bad man up.  Now you need to figure out which man you are; the good or the bad?

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you wear your Tuesday underwear this Friday, you will receive a Sunday blessing two Saturdays from next Wednesday, some time around noon.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You will have diarrhea of the mouth, which is questionably better than having diarrhea of the butt.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

A bottle of Elmer’s glue will be your best friend on a night when nobody else bothers to call.  Take the secret of what you do with that bottle to your grave.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The impact of the phrase, “Eff you!” will carry more weight once you learn the difference between “I’m here” and “Here I am.”  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “If you want to know who people really are, pay close attention to the people they hang around.”

A Momentary Rant of a Man Undone

Let’s be honest; even a man who always seems to have it all together cracks under pressure every now and then.  And as perfect as I am (at least as far as perfection goes in my own warped out mind), I am no exception to the rule.  

Having said that, I think I will take a short moment to ask one burning question that many people ask in their every day lives:  

 “What the #&$%@!?”  

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  • “What the #&$%@!”  did I do to deserve getting hit in the forehead with one of Karma’s mini bowling balls? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  happened to the Plan B that I usually keep in my back pocket? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  am I going to do to get myself out of this deep a$$ pothole that I managed to fall into?   

Well, I asked the one burning question like I said.  I just happened to ask it in three different variations.  Why?  Because I can.  “What the #&$%@!” are you going to do about it?     

Listen, everyone is only human.  Well, maybe not the chick that lives on the corner of my street.  I don’t know what she is, but I know it’s not human.  Have you seen her???  Oh wait, that’s a story for another time.  

My point is no one is immune to the pitfalls of life.  In fact, if we didn’t have sh*t to deal with, how would we know what we could handle?  It’s like going out on a bad date.  In your heart you know the date is going to be a bust, but you still have to endure the bad company, bad conversation, bad food and bad hygiene in order to know what you don’t like and what you hope to expect out of the next date who is anyone but the person you lowered your standards for in the first damn place.  

Oh, but if only things were as simple as a bad date.  You can stand up a bad date.  You can walk out on a bad date.  You can even throw your drink in a bad date’s face.  But life, my friends, is something a little more funky than a simple bad date.  In fact, sometimes life can be a big pile of sh*t.  However as stinky as that sh*t may be, life is also a wheel.  What’s down today is up tomorrow.  The hard part is getting through the day.  Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 2-8, 2011

Happy New Year, my little pelican beaks!  Better luck for 2011 starts off your first week.  No backstabbers, pushovers or liars for you.  Nothing but good advice from Hottywood to you.  I wish I could say everything will be all good.  I can’t so I won’t but I would if I could.  But as always, I’m here to help you cope with the cards life deals with some help from these HORRORscopes!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Wipe your own ass first before insisting on telling someone else that their sh*t stinks.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re single, it’s by choice; just not yours.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A hug is merely society’s acceptance of a public dry hump.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You have a dingy aura. Whatever the hell that means.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Ask your fairy godmother to douse you w/ luck using her magic liquor bottle.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Every “perfect” person has a flaw. And that flaw is not accepting that nobody’s perfect.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Watch out for people who will try to make an ass out of you accidentally on purpose.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Someone from your past will send naked pictures of themself to you.  You decide if that’s good luck, bad luck or an insult to your judgment of character.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you’re chained a fence doesn’t mean you can’t bark at cars.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

This could be your lucky week.  Expect to go out on a date with a crash test dummy.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will be the last choice of a booty call that wasn’t worth your time the first go ’round.  But as some say, “Beggars can’t be choicy.” ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Sticks and stones may break your bones.  Actually, if someone is throwing sticks and stones at you, that should tell you something right there.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.”