Happy New Year, my little pelican beaks! Better luck for 2011 starts off your first week. No backstabbers, pushovers or liars for you. Nothing but good advice from Hottywood to you. I wish I could say everything will be all good. I can’t so I won’t but I would if I could. But as always, I’m here to help you cope with the cards life deals with some help from these HORRORscopes!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
___________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Wipe your own ass first before insisting on telling someone else that their sh*t stinks.
_______________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you’re single, it’s by choice; just not yours.
___________________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A hug is merely society’s acceptance of a public dry hump.
___________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
You have a dingy aura. Whatever the hell that means.
___________________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Ask your fairy godmother to douse you w/ luck using her magic liquor bottle.
___________________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Every “perfect” person has a flaw. And that flaw is not accepting that nobody’s perfect.
___________________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Watch out for people who will try to make an ass out of you accidentally on purpose.
___________________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Someone from your past will send naked pictures of themself to you. You decide if that’s good luck, bad luck or an insult to your judgment of character.
___________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Just because you’re chained a fence doesn’t mean you can’t bark at cars.
___________________________________________________________
Libra September 23 – October 22
This could be your lucky week. Expect to go out on a date with a crash test dummy.
___________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will be the last choice of a booty call that wasn’t worth your time the first go ’round. But as some say, “Beggars can’t be choicy.” ___________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Actually, if someone is throwing sticks and stones at you, that should tell you something right there. ___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.”
