Happy New Year, my little pelican beaks!  Better luck for 2011 starts off your first week.  No backstabbers, pushovers or liars for you.  Nothing but good advice from Hottywood to you.  I wish I could say everything will be all good.  I can’t so I won’t but I would if I could.  But as always, I’m here to help you cope with the cards life deals with some help from these HORRORscopes!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Wipe your own ass first before insisting on telling someone else that their sh*t stinks.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re single, it’s by choice; just not yours.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A hug is merely society’s acceptance of a public dry hump.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You have a dingy aura. Whatever the hell that means.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Ask your fairy godmother to douse you w/ luck using her magic liquor bottle.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Every “perfect” person has a flaw. And that flaw is not accepting that nobody’s perfect.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Watch out for people who will try to make an ass out of you accidentally on purpose.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Someone from your past will send naked pictures of themself to you.  You decide if that’s good luck, bad luck or an insult to your judgment of character.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you’re chained a fence doesn’t mean you can’t bark at cars.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

This could be your lucky week.  Expect to go out on a date with a crash test dummy.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will be the last choice of a booty call that wasn’t worth your time the first go ’round.  But as some say, “Beggars can’t be choicy.” ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Sticks and stones may break your bones.  Actually, if someone is throwing sticks and stones at you, that should tell you something right there.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.”