Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 9-15, 2010

To all my skanks and skankette’s, too.  Here are some more HORRORscopes from me to you.  Don’t worry about a payment.  This one’s on me.  Actually all of my advice is inexpensively free.  See, I want you to be safe and prepared for bad luck; ready for anything.  No matter what.  Which is why every week I offer advice to you.  Because Hottywood is who I am and giving advice is what I do. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

It’s bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on a Friday. _______________________________________________________


January 20 – February 18

Your definition of “ghetto” is about 10,000 kool-aid packets different from someone else’s.



February 19 – March 20   

You haven’t gotten where you are because of the things people have given you unless you’re thinking about a $50 bill, a night stand and a bottle of brown liquor. 



March 21 – April 19 

You will have great sex with someone who will be ashamed to introduce you to their friends.



April 20 – May 20 

A single cheeseburger will lead to an unusually personal relationship with about a dozen more.



May 21 – June 20 

Someone is praying for you to fall and break your leg not realizing that you can not make prayer your personal hitman.  Don’t worry.  Karma is still a bitch.



June 21 – July 22 

The only thing you can afford to pay this week is attention.



July 23 – August 22 

You can’t keep a good man down; and you can’t hold a bad man up.  Now you need to figure out which man you are; the good or the bad?



August 23 – September 22 

If you wear your Tuesday underwear this Friday, you will receive a Sunday blessing two Saturdays from next Wednesday, some time around noon.



September 23 – October 22 

You will have diarrhea of the mouth, which is questionably better than having diarrhea of the butt.



October 23 – November 21 

A bottle of Elmer’s glue will be your best friend on a night when nobody else bothers to call.  Take the secret of what you do with that bottle to your grave.



November 22 – December 21   

The impact of the phrase, “Eff you!” will carry more weight once you learn the difference between “I’m here” and “Here I am.”  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “If you want to know who people really are, pay close attention to the people they hang around.”

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