Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 9-15, 2010

To all my skanks and skankette’s, too.  Here are some more HORRORscopes from me to you.  Don’t worry about a payment.  This one’s on me.  Actually all of my advice is inexpensively free.  See, I want you to be safe and prepared for bad luck; ready for anything.  No matter what.  Which is why every week I offer advice to you.  Because Hottywood is who I am and giving advice is what I do. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on a Friday. _______________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your definition of “ghetto” is about 10,000 kool-aid packets different from someone else’s.

 ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You haven’t gotten where you are because of the things people have given you unless you’re thinking about a $50 bill, a night stand and a bottle of brown liquor. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You will have great sex with someone who will be ashamed to introduce you to their friends.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

A single cheeseburger will lead to an unusually personal relationship with about a dozen more.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Someone is praying for you to fall and break your leg not realizing that you can not make prayer your personal hitman.  Don’t worry.  Karma is still a bitch.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The only thing you can afford to pay this week is attention.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You can’t keep a good man down; and you can’t hold a bad man up.  Now you need to figure out which man you are; the good or the bad?

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If you wear your Tuesday underwear this Friday, you will receive a Sunday blessing two Saturdays from next Wednesday, some time around noon.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You will have diarrhea of the mouth, which is questionably better than having diarrhea of the butt.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

A bottle of Elmer’s glue will be your best friend on a night when nobody else bothers to call.  Take the secret of what you do with that bottle to your grave.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The impact of the phrase, “Eff you!” will carry more weight once you learn the difference between “I’m here” and “Here I am.”  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “If you want to know who people really are, pay close attention to the people they hang around.”

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