To all my skanks and skankette’s, too. Here are some more HORRORscopes from me to you. Don’t worry about a payment. This one’s on me. Actually all of my advice is inexpensively free. See, I want you to be safe and prepared for bad luck; ready for anything. No matter what. Which is why every week I offer advice to you. Because Hottywood is who I am and giving advice is what I do.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It’s bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on a Friday. _______________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your definition of “ghetto” is about 10,000 kool-aid packets different from someone else’s.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You haven’t gotten where you are because of the things people have given you unless you’re thinking about a $50 bill, a night stand and a bottle of brown liquor.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will have great sex with someone who will be ashamed to introduce you to their friends.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A single cheeseburger will lead to an unusually personal relationship with about a dozen more.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone is praying for you to fall and break your leg not realizing that you can not make prayer your personal hitman. Don’t worry. Karma is still a bitch.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The only thing you can afford to pay this week is attention.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You can’t keep a good man down; and you can’t hold a bad man up. Now you need to figure out which man you are; the good or the bad?
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you wear your Tuesday underwear this Friday, you will receive a Sunday blessing two Saturdays from next Wednesday, some time around noon.
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Libra September 23 – October 22
You will have diarrhea of the mouth, which is questionably better than having diarrhea of the butt.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A bottle of Elmer’s glue will be your best friend on a night when nobody else bothers to call. Take the secret of what you do with that bottle to your grave.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The impact of the phrase, “Eff you!” will carry more weight once you learn the difference between “I’m here” and “Here I am.” ___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “If you want to know who people really are, pay close attention to the people they hang around.”
