Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.



December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.



January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________


February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________


March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________


April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.



May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________


June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________


July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________


August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________


September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________


October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________


November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

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