Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore. Double-crossers and haters and so much more. Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing. These are a few of my least favorite things. The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep. ___________________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t bother doing your hair this week. It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you. Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________
Libra September 23 – October 22
A shoplifter will try to steal your joy. His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist. The bad news is no one will want to talk to you. ___________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck. If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is. ___________________________________________________________
Quote of the Week: “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”
