Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 27-March 5, 2011

Welcome to Monday, where the work week begins.   Where the nights seem shorter and the days never end.  Where luck is questionable and the things you don’t know run over your ass like a wrestling sumo.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If your enemy were any more of a bitch, they’d have puppies. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you walk a mile in another man’s shoes, you will inherit his foot odor.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Trust your gut…unless you’re lactose intolerant. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never enter the gates of hell without a passport for return.  And if you do, always remember it’s better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone will admire your intelligence, but don’t think you’re getting any smarter.  You just appear less stupid. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of a one-night stand with the same stranger twice.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

People are like pimples.  Pop them too soon and they’ll always leave a mark. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The paint that a leopard uses to change its spots will wash away when the rain falls. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Buy yourself a new pair of glasses so you can clearly see the face of the one person who spots your bullsh*t a mile away.

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Quote of the week:  “Every move up is a step in the right direction but it’s not the last step.  It’s only the last step if you step in front of a bus.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 20-26, 2011

The week was long; the weekend short.  And this week we must try to be good sports.  Monday has come and Monday has passed.  Will the rest of these days completely suck ass?  One can dream and wish and hope but the only thing that’ll save you is Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It takes a wise man to realize when a fool has beaten him at his own game. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never trust a woman whose toenails overlap her sandals. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The greatest place on Earth isn’t Disney Land.  Traffic court is.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You and Bruno Mars are the only two people on the planet who would catch a grenade for anyone.  You both have issues.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You will be called for an interview in three turns of a full moon; on the night you stop speaking with a Scooby-Doo voice. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

For seven days the only thing that will cure your midnight snack attack is the taste of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saltine” crackers.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

There is no reason to argue with anyone who is made up of 90% water. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beware of a dog in search of a catfight.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t do anything to a lion with your head in its mouth.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Be careful who you share your dreams with.  There are plenty of people who want to make your life a living nightmare.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If you can’t stand the smell of smoke then you better do all you can to keep your ass out of hell. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your reality check will bounce.

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Quote of the week:  “The pen is mightier than the sword, and ironically easier to write with.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 13-19, 2011

With the dawn of Valentine’s Day I bet you’re hoping today’s your lucky day.   You never know when luck is concerned if your ass will get kicked, or tricked or burned.  That’s just the way things seem to go. With karma and fate you just never know.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.  Unless, of course, you miss your Brazilian or back wax appointment. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes you need to be told, “I told you so,” if but only to remind you that you’re not always right. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A midget will be electrocuted by an electric skillet at the same time you reach a personal bathroom experience. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No matter what kind of perfume/colonge you put on this week, it will still smell like jeri curl activator. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If the most memorable thing about you are the rings around your neck, then you need to work on making a better first impression. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Leftovers are pretty damn good when you don’t have anything else. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You didn’t go through what you did only to be recruited by has-beens, wanna-bes, could-have-beens or never-thats. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will steal your spotlight, which says a lot about you or your talent. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A pair of skinny jeans will lead to a swift introduction to the bottom of a Timberland boot.  Especially if you have a mustache. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

That itch in the pit of your underarms is an indication that you are half way in a whole lot of trouble. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your ass is more kissable than your lips. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If someone tells you, “Don’t be a drag; just be a queen,” they’ve just found a new way of calling you gay. 

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Quote of the week:  “You can’t love anyone else if you don’t know how to love yourself.  And that same rule applies when the expectation arises for someone to love you.”

What Part of Adolescent Behavior Should Teachers be Responsible For, Some or All?

First and foremost, let’s begin this post by warning anyone that doesn’t have a sense of humor to cease and desist immediately.  Ion’t need anyone hating on those of us with a few jokes in our hearts.  Real talk. 

Now if all minds are clear, we can begin. 

More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat.  And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts.  Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous we are as parents for not being able to get a grip on our kids in private and often more in public.  “No more to that,” I say!  In this new day and age the finger is no longer pointed at the ineffective parent!   

Stick with me while I explain.  

Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood.  But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else.  Let me ask you.  If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days?  No.  Not a juvenile detention center.  They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher!  

Teachers come into the classroom with one agenda: to teach.  They teach math, science, social studies, language arts, foreign language, even religion.  But they don’t teach discipline.  Why the hell not?  If they know that 69.3% of students in each classroom are offensively bad, why don’t they spend less time writing notes home to parents in an effort to remind us of how we’re failing as guardians instead of drafting up a damn disciplinary education standard to get those attitudes in check?  There’s no need to tell us about our kids’ discipline problems.  We already know they’re bad as sh*t.  What they’re telling us is that there is a lack of effort and responsibility in our classrooms.  Our teachers are too lazy to tell our brats to shut the hell up!  If they are spending more time with our kids than we are, then it’s only fair that they hold more of a percentage in the area of disciplinary responsibility, right?  It’s just common sense.  

Hell, we spend eight hours a day dealing with bad attitudes, unrealistic demands and never-ending chores, all for little to no paycheck.  When we get home, we are expecting the teachers to bombard our kids with multiple chapters worth of homework, detention slips and drained energy from sending their bad asses back and forth to the principal’s office.  When they send our kids home all well rested and free from studying, they are only telling us that they do not value the progression of our children’s citizenship. 

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Imagine, leaving the discipline up to the parents.  As if we don’t already have enough on our plates. 

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When the kids finally graduate after spending 6 or 7 years in high school, who takes the credit for them graduating?  Teachers, of course.  Why be all finicky when it comes to their behavior?  

Look, teachers.  All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair.  We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short.  Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes.  Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young.  Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked.  Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00.  So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie.  You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 

Now if you think this letter is too much of a big pill to swallow, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started.  And trust me, it’ll probably be easier to digest if you hit the bottle first. 

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Quote of the week:  “Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 6-12, 2010

Welcome back to the Monday blues where we sing the same old tune.  Starting where we first began, wondering when this crap will end.  It’s just bad luck.  No big deal.  It’s time to see what the stars reveals.  A simple question to me from you: when Karma strikes, what would Hottywood do?   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Rubbing your underarms with cat fur instead of deotorant will either bring you extreme luck or an extreme itch. Either way it’ll be something to talk about.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Consider whatever is the opposite of hair implants, especially if you are a female and have hairy areolas.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The good news is you’re going out on a date this week.  The bad news is the good night kiss will taste like hummingbird tongue parmesean. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The number of rings around your bathtub will dictate the number of people who knows you’re telling one big fat lie.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Speaking pig latin or ebonics does not make you bilingual.  It just makes you sound stupid.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Between one and twelve, take advantage of “me” o’clock.   You’ll need it because any time after that people will be too busy talking about how much of you they can’t stand.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your pants will fall every time a police siren sounds.  If you live in the hood, steer clear of windows. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will be serenaded by someone in a bathroom stall whose song lyrics sound more like butt grunts and whose shoes are from last season’s collection.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your shoes may be a little tight because of all of the ash that’s shedding from the heels of your feet.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A pimple may arise on the tip of your nose and will be mistaken for a misplaced belly button.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You might attract the love of your life faster with the scent of yesterday’s balogna slice than you would with today’s gym socks.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Hottywood Proverb: Sh*t in one hand; want in the other and see which one gets filled first.    ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:  “The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.”  

A Birthday Tribute to the Hills of Hottywood

Ladies and gentlemen!  Guys and gals!  Kats, kittens, dawgs, and bitches!  I greet you in the name of all things coated with vegetable oil and all-purpose flour!  Today we celebrate a very special day.  No, I’m not referring to the anniversary of the Alabama law that states it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesdays; or the Oregon law that dictates canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.  Though, in my opinion, those days are worth celebrating.  Today we honor and celebrate the birth of Hottywood!  

Today, as I blow out a flattering number of trick candles, eat mounds of chocolate cake and pass gas profusely from all the lactose-induced vanilla bean ice cream I can eat, I invite you to unbuckle those horrible skinny jeans, kick off your white socks and sandals, and put your table manners to the side as we feast at a table of endless chicken wings and sesame seed buns! 

On this cold day of February, all should be reminded and some even encouraged that there are many things that we can all get away with in the name of Hottywood, simply because I said so.  And I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it.  You don’t even have to thank me for this encouragement because some of you reserved tykes have probably been waiting for the right opportunities [anyway] to: 

  • Tell your neighbors to shove their loud stereo sets up their ass;
  • Suggest to your coworkers that they email themselves straight to hell;
  • Lead that one self-absorbed person to the middle of a bullfighting coliseum after coloring their body w/ permanent red magic marker;
  • Dip your enemy’s underwear in raw hamburger meat and unleash a pack of hungry dogs on them;
  • Turn off all the hot water in your apartment complex at the break of dawn so people’s annoying shower singing can actually be what it sounds like – screaming; or
  • Put baby snapping turtles inside your landlord’s mailbox. 

It’s probably not ethical for me to give you ideas on how to get back at all those folks who forgot your birthday, have done you wrong, or even the clods that you simply don’t like.  But as I’ve stated before, today is a very special day and the only rule that applies is that I make the rules.  So you can do whatever the hell you damn well please in the name of humor, emotionless love and my birthday!    

May the rest of your day be filled with chicken wings, stripper poles, and restraining orders.  Not necessarily in that order.  

…oh, and if you don’t think you have the balls to be bad, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started!  Follow my lead and you just might learn something.  Happy birthday to me from me!  

Luv ya, babies.

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Quote of the week:  “Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”