Welcome to Monday, where the work week begins. Where the nights seem shorter and the days never end. Where luck is questionable and the things you don’t know run over your ass like a wrestling sumo. Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If your enemy were any more of a bitch, they’d have puppies.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you walk a mile in another man’s shoes, you will inherit his foot odor.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Trust your gut…unless you’re lactose intolerant.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Never enter the gates of hell without a passport for return. And if you do, always remember it’s better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Someone will admire your intelligence, but don’t think you’re getting any smarter. You just appear less stupid.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Beware of a one-night stand with the same stranger twice.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
People are like pimples. Pop them too soon and they’ll always leave a mark.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The paint that a leopard uses to change its spots will wash away when the rain falls.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Buy yourself a new pair of glasses so you can clearly see the face of the one person who spots your bullsh*t a mile away.
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Quote of the week: “Every move up is a step in the right direction but it’s not the last step. It’s only the last step if you step in front of a bus.”