Welcome to Monday, where the work week begins. Where the nights seem shorter and the days never end. Where luck is questionable and the things you don’t know run over your ass like a wrestling sumo. Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If your enemy were any more of a bitch, they’d have puppies.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you walk a mile in another man’s shoes, you will inherit his foot odor.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Trust your gut…unless you’re lactose intolerant.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Never enter the gates of hell without a passport for return. And if you do, always remember it’s better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Someone will admire your intelligence, but don’t think you’re getting any smarter. You just appear less stupid.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Beware of a one-night stand with the same stranger twice.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
People are like pimples. Pop them too soon and they’ll always leave a mark.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The paint that a leopard uses to change its spots will wash away when the rain falls.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Buy yourself a new pair of glasses so you can clearly see the face of the one person who spots your bullsh*t a mile away.
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Quote of the week: “Every move up is a step in the right direction but it’s not the last step. It’s only the last step if you step in front of a bus.”
The week was long; the weekend short. And this week we must try to be good sports. Monday has come and Monday has passed. Will the rest of these days completely suck ass? One can dream and wish and hope but the only thing that’ll save you is Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 
With the dawn of Valentine’s Day I bet you’re hoping today’s your lucky day. You never know when luck is concerned if your ass will get kicked, or tricked or burned. That’s just the way things seem to go. With karma and fate you just never know.
More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat. And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts. Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous 
Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood. But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else. Let me ask you. If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days? No. Not a juvenile detention center. They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher! 
But they 
Look, teachers. All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair. We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short. Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes. Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young. Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked. Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00. So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie. You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 
Welcome back to the Monday blues where we sing the same old tune. Starting where we first began, wondering when this crap will end. It’s just bad luck. No big deal. It’s time to see what the stars reveals. A simple question to me from you: when Karma strikes, what would Hottywood do? 
Ladies and gentlemen! Guys and gals! Kats, kittens, dawgs, and bitches! I greet you in the name of all things coated with vegetable oil and all-purpose flour! Today we celebrate a very special day. No, I’m not referring to the anniversary of the Alabama law that states it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesdays; or the Oregon law that dictates canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. Though, in my opinion, those days are worth celebrating. Today we honor and celebrate the birth of Hottywood! 
On this cold day of February, all should be reminded and some even encouraged that there are many things that we can all get away with in the name of Hottywood, simply because I said so. And I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it. You don’t even have to thank me for this encouragement because some of you reserved tykes have probably been waiting for the right opportunities [anyway] to: 
It’s probably not ethical for me to give you ideas on how to get back at all those folks who forgot your birthday, have done you wrong, or even the clods that you simply don’t like. But as I’ve stated before, today is a very special day and the only rule that applies is that 
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