Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 6-12, 2010

Welcome back to the Monday blues where we sing the same old tune.  Starting where we first began, wondering when this crap will end.  It’s just bad luck.  No big deal.  It’s time to see what the stars reveals.  A simple question to me from you: when Karma strikes, what would Hottywood do?   

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Rubbing your underarms with cat fur instead of deotorant will either bring you extreme luck or an extreme itch. Either way it’ll be something to talk about.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Consider whatever is the opposite of hair implants, especially if you are a female and have hairy areolas.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The good news is you’re going out on a date this week.  The bad news is the good night kiss will taste like hummingbird tongue parmesean. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The number of rings around your bathtub will dictate the number of people who knows you’re telling one big fat lie.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Speaking pig latin or ebonics does not make you bilingual.  It just makes you sound stupid.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Between one and twelve, take advantage of “me” o’clock.   You’ll need it because any time after that people will be too busy talking about how much of you they can’t stand.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your pants will fall every time a police siren sounds.  If you live in the hood, steer clear of windows. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will be serenaded by someone in a bathroom stall whose song lyrics sound more like butt grunts and whose shoes are from last season’s collection.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your shoes may be a little tight because of all of the ash that’s shedding from the heels of your feet.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A pimple may arise on the tip of your nose and will be mistaken for a misplaced belly button.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You might attract the love of your life faster with the scent of yesterday’s balogna slice than you would with today’s gym socks.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Hottywood Proverb: Sh*t in one hand; want in the other and see which one gets filled first.    ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:  “The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.”  

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