Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 13-19, 2011

With the dawn of Valentine’s Day I bet you’re hoping today’s your lucky day.   You never know when luck is concerned if your ass will get kicked, or tricked or burned.  That’s just the way things seem to go. With karma and fate you just never know.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.  Unless, of course, you miss your Brazilian or back wax appointment. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes you need to be told, “I told you so,” if but only to remind you that you’re not always right. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A midget will be electrocuted by an electric skillet at the same time you reach a personal bathroom experience. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No matter what kind of perfume/colonge you put on this week, it will still smell like jeri curl activator. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If the most memorable thing about you are the rings around your neck, then you need to work on making a better first impression. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Leftovers are pretty damn good when you don’t have anything else. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You didn’t go through what you did only to be recruited by has-beens, wanna-bes, could-have-beens or never-thats. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will steal your spotlight, which says a lot about you or your talent. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A pair of skinny jeans will lead to a swift introduction to the bottom of a Timberland boot.  Especially if you have a mustache. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

That itch in the pit of your underarms is an indication that you are half way in a whole lot of trouble. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your ass is more kissable than your lips. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If someone tells you, “Don’t be a drag; just be a queen,” they’ve just found a new way of calling you gay. 

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Quote of the week:  “You can’t love anyone else if you don’t know how to love yourself.  And that same rule applies when the expectation arises for someone to love you.”

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