With the dawn of Valentine’s Day I bet you’re hoping today’s your lucky day. You never know when luck is concerned if your ass will get kicked, or tricked or burned. That’s just the way things seem to go. With karma and fate you just never know.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Unless, of course, you miss your Brazilian or back wax appointment.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Sometimes you need to be told, “I told you so,” if but only to remind you that you’re not always right.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A midget will be electrocuted by an electric skillet at the same time you reach a personal bathroom experience.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
No matter what kind of perfume/colonge you put on this week, it will still smell like jeri curl activator.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If the most memorable thing about you are the rings around your neck, then you need to work on making a better first impression.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Leftovers are pretty damn good when you don’t have anything else.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You didn’t go through what you did only to be recruited by has-beens, wanna-bes, could-have-beens or never-thats.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
An imaginary friend will steal your spotlight, which says a lot about you or your talent.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A pair of skinny jeans will lead to a swift introduction to the bottom of a Timberland boot. Especially if you have a mustache.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
That itch in the pit of your underarms is an indication that you are half way in a whole lot of trouble.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your ass is more kissable than your lips.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If someone tells you, “Don’t be a drag; just be a queen,” they’ve just found a new way of calling you gay.
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Quote of the week: “You can’t love anyone else if you don’t know how to love yourself. And that same rule applies when the expectation arises for someone to love you.”
