The week was long; the weekend short. And this week we must try to be good sports. Monday has come and Monday has passed. Will the rest of these days completely suck ass? One can dream and wish and hope but the only thing that’ll save you is Hottywood’s HORRORscopes!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It takes a wise man to realize when a fool has beaten him at his own game.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Never trust a woman whose toenails overlap her sandals.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The greatest place on Earth isn’t Disney Land. Traffic court is.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You and Bruno Mars are the only two people on the planet who would catch a grenade for anyone. You both have issues.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You will be called for an interview in three turns of a full moon; on the night you stop speaking with a Scooby-Doo voice.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
For seven days the only thing that will cure your midnight snack attack is the taste of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Saltine” crackers.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
There is no reason to argue with anyone who is made up of 90% water.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Beware of a dog in search of a catfight.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can’t do anything to a lion with your head in its mouth.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Be careful who you share your dreams with. There are plenty of people who want to make your life a living nightmare.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If you can’t stand the smell of smoke then you better do all you can to keep your ass out of hell.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your reality check will bounce.
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Quote of the week: “The pen is mightier than the sword, and ironically easier to write with.”
