Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 27-March 5, 2011

Welcome to Monday, where the work week begins.   Where the nights seem shorter and the days never end.  Where luck is questionable and the things you don’t know run over your ass like a wrestling sumo.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Slow down and rest before the bags under your eyes are accidentally mistaken for oddly placed breasts. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If your enemy were any more of a bitch, they’d have puppies. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you walk a mile in another man’s shoes, you will inherit his foot odor.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be attacked by three baby midget sumo wrestlers on the night of the third Friday before a highly anticipated corn harvest festival.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Trust your gut…unless you’re lactose intolerant. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never enter the gates of hell without a passport for return.  And if you do, always remember it’s better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Someone will admire your intelligence, but don’t think you’re getting any smarter.  You just appear less stupid. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Nothing brings two people together like potato chips.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of a one-night stand with the same stranger twice.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

People are like pimples.  Pop them too soon and they’ll always leave a mark. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The paint that a leopard uses to change its spots will wash away when the rain falls. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Buy yourself a new pair of glasses so you can clearly see the face of the one person who spots your bullsh*t a mile away.

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Quote of the week:  “Every move up is a step in the right direction but it’s not the last step.  It’s only the last step if you step in front of a bus.”

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