You Can’t Move Up if Your Pants are Falling Down

A life without secrets is boring.  Shocking, I know…but true nonetheless.  Secrets build character and adds to the intrigue of a person.  They have a way of making you wonder what someone has to hide, therefore making that someone interesting.  Secrets are good and everyone should have at least one.  In fact, the mystique of a secret often leads to great unknown possibilities. 

However such is not the case for my peeps who insist on showing their ass. 

This one goes out to all my fellas; for the love of all mankind, “Pull yo’ damn pants up!”  

Fellas, what kind of opportunities do you think will open up to you if the best selling point about yourself is the type of underwear you buy?  If there’s anything you need to share with all the rest of the world the least, it should be your damn drawers.  

Now I consider myself to be an “in” kind of guy but we’ve gone from one extreme to another.  First it was those wretched skinny jeans.  Or as I like to call them, “straight jackets for legs.”  I thought we’d never get over that phase.    And now this?!  Seriously, 85% of men wear the same underwear for at least three days, anyway, before switching to a new pair.  So what’s the point?  Why does anyone feel a need to publically showcase their dirty unmentionables?  And more importantly, what the hell is so stylish about this? 

Is it really necessary to show the entire world your Fruit of the Looms, tighty whities or skid marks?  I have but only one word to say in response to this intimate issue that translates into a big, fat T.M.I. (Too Much Information).  And I think it’s safe to speak for everyone when I say, “Ugh.”  

Real talk, ya’ll.  Stop. 

I challenge you to remember this one little thing even if you never remember anything else for the rest of your days: 

“Never trust anyone who shows their ass before they show they face.”  

This just in… “Belts are not the enemy.”  It’s time to step outside the box and give them a try. 

TIDBIT ABOUT BELTS:

In modern times, men started wearing belts in the 1920s, as trouser waists fell to a lower line.  Before the 1920s, belts served mostly a decorative purpose, and were associated with the military.  Today it is common for men to wear a belt with their trousers.

Since the mid 1990s, the practice of sagging has been popular at times among young men and boys.  This fashion trend consists of wearing the trousers very low on the hips, often exposing the underwear and buttocks of the wearer.  This urban style, which has roots tracing to prison gangs and the prohibition of belts in prison (due to their use as weapons and devices for suicide) has remained popular into the 21st century, particularly among pubescent boys. 

So it kind of pisses me off to see old men walking around with their waist hems dropped to their knee caps, or young boys who may not grow up because they’re following the stupid fashion trend of letting their pants fall down.  

What is it about the concept of belts that is so difficult to grasp?  Belts represent power.  Think of a dad whooping some sense into his bad ass kid’s ass.  Not only does a belt represent power, it represents authority, control and style

Speaking of style, a belt is one of the first three things a person looks at in order to determine a man’s character, or to someone who’s completely shallow and materialistic, it determines a man’s physical attraction. 

After all, it is often said that the necktie, the belt and the shoes make all of the man. 

I don’t know where that saying came from.  Probably some chick.  But who cares?  Whatever keeps the underwear concealed works for me.  There are just some things one man doesn’t need to know about another, and one of those some things are his drawers.

A wise man once said, “If you reveal too much, you’re left with no secrets to keep.”

The bottom line, folks, is this:  As much as most people want to pretend it isn’t true, appearance is the first thing anyone sees when it comes to making a [premature] assessment about someone.  If the first thing seen is someone’s butt, then it’s easy to assume that either that person is an ass or their ass is the most interesting thing about them.  Some might beg to differ, but whoever does is probably just as much of an ass as the asshole that shows his ass before he shows his face.

The only opportunities that are going to open up for pants-saggers are chances to lay up with some jezebel who’s trying to find a baby daddy; get arrested by policemen who are patrolling to fill their arrest quotas for the week; and being approached by drug abusers who are looking for a new contact and quick fix.  And while we’re at it, let’s consider the image it sets for adolescents who mimic the stupidities of adults who should know how to set better examples for children, but don’t.     

Luck, life and anyone who isn’t getting royalty checks from the sales of rap records and sold out venues will tell you that you can’t move up in the world if your pants keep falling down.  That’s a sure way to get screwed in the end. 

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

Belts aren’t the only thing that keeps your pants from falling.  Scotch tape, masking tape, duct tape, and even shoe strings can serve the same purpose as belts.  Homeless men are very inventive when it comes to keeping their pants up.  Want to know why?  The answer is simple.  Because they know that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

So fellas, I implore you to keep your skid marks to yourself.  There’s too many sh*tty things going on in this world to be bombarded by the sh*t that’s happening in your pants. 

RELATED ARTICLES:  A Nation Must Rise and Ban Together: Death to Skinny Jeans!

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Quote of the week:  “Never in the history of fashion has so little material been raised so high to reveal so much that needs to be covered so badly.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 27-April 2, 2011

Last week was rough.  This we know.  But this is a new week so let’s see how it goes.  Things could be worse so nothing can be that bad, unless you’re pulled over by cops for driving on dead tags.  When they’re coming at you with handcuffs and there’s no one around to tell, I’ll still be your pen pal when they haul your ass to jail.  

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never trust anyone who shows their ass before they show their face. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your next lie will be as random as a tax audit. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone is laughing at you for thinking you got away with something you think no one saw you do.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Only a strong man lives to tell the tale of walking a mile in uncomfortable shoes. _________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Avoid anyone who wears skinny jeans.  They are straight jackets for legs. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Forty percent of the people you come in contact with today are wearing the same underwear they put on two days ago.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Every dog must bark up the wrong tree. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A blind man’s vision is more clear than a man who has no vision in sight.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If your shoes lean to the side, your life is unbalanced.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You hand out ass-whoopings and lollipops five days a week; but on Friday you will run out of lollipops.  

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The dirt under your fingernails will reveal how much dirt you’re hiding about yourself.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Not all leaders of the pack live off the fat of the land.

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Quote of the week:  “Reveal too much and you’re left with no secrets to keep.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood. _________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood,

Every day my coworker tells me all about her relationship problems. Not only do I believe it’s inappropriate conversation for the office, but I really just don’t care! What can I do to make her stop?

Confidential

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Dear Confidential,

First I have to challenge your comment about the office being an inappropriate place to discuss relationship problems. People do it all the time [at work]; in the bathroom; at the water cooler; in staff meetings. Work and Relationship Problems kind of go hand in hand. At any rate, you’ve already stated what the real issue is. You don’t care about her problems.

I won’t give you the rundown of how your listening ear can be a savior to someone who may be in desperate need to talk or vent. Nor will I tell you that your way of thinking can be considered selfish and somewhat hypocritical when it comes time for you to lay down your burdens to anyone who’s not standing on the other side of the mirror. And I won’t bother to tell you that karma always come back to bite you in the ass. I won’t tell you these things because I’m pretty sure you already know.

Realistically speaking, some people just can’t help themselves. No matter how much of a disgustingly uninterested face you can muster up, a person with that much self-absorption is usually more consumed with hearing words come out of their mouth than they are with focusing on the blood that’s dripping from their ears, in a preposterous notion that your ears are bleeding because of them. This act isn’t uncommon and it doesn’t just happen in the work place. Outside of honesty and risking the possibility of breaking someone’s heart by letting them know that you don’t give a damn about what they’re confiding in you, you have a couple other options.

Option 1)  Offer a one-night stand word of advice. …a “hit it then split it,” type deal. Tell her that “all fish are forgotten when they’ve either been flushed down the toilet or fried in a skillet.”

Option 2) Defend yourself.  The next time your coworker comes to you with her problems, arm yourself with a scorching hot cup of coffee. Toss it on her and start speaking in tongues. Dance frantically in place and spin around in circles. Tell her, “Somebody in this room has been possessed!” and then run like the wind.

Option 3) Death by appetizer.  Take her out to lunch. Once you’ve been seated, scotch-tape her to her chair and shoot her to death with the crossbow you made from an asparagus tip and onion ring appetizer. If she’s still alive and kicking after that, do yourself a favor and dive head first into the nearest pitcher of water and drown yourself until the only voice you hear is God’s.

If you’re too soft or too scared to tell her that you’d rather not discuss her problems [in the office or at all], then your last resort is to tell her that you’re super busy and request that she emails you her story. That way, you can read the first and last paragraph and sum up what she’s whining about.

Having her email you her problems is also a perfect setup for a paper trail leading back to her, which has all the promise of showing her employers that she’s A) bringing her problems to the office, B) is distracted by outside influences, and C) distracting her fellow employees from doing their job…all of which brings down the high rate of percentage of the progress of work in the office.

REFERENCE: Office Etiquette: Listening to Death

Lemme know how all that works out for you!

Hottywood

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CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 20-26, 2011

Good day and good cheer!  I’m glad that you’re here.  Now watch and behold as your future unfolds.  Fate is fickle, so you’ve been warned; but no man becomes wiser with a butt unscorned.

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” Who’s the first person you think of? 

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never come between two rhinos during mating season. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The only thing standing between you and an ultimate lottery prize is a winning ticket. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You can buy somebody but you can’t buy love.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can get people to do whatever you want them to do as long as you use the words, “Simon says…”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Everyone should heckle a speech at a turrets conference at least one time in their life. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re probably a bad cook if you use a smoke detector as a timer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you don’t put your foot down, everyone will step on your toes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Throw caution to a man who brings his own communion wine to church.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Having the last McDonald’s french fry on the planet either makes you the most loved person or the most hated.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Courage is doing what you’re scared of.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.  

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Expect the best; Prepare for the worst; Don’t give a sh*t about what others think and damn those who won’t let you do your own thing.

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Quote of the week:  “At the end of the day the last person to speak to you is God.”

This Week on “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood. _________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood,

I had a friend that I grew up with, and consider him like a brother. But as time has passed our friendship seems as if it has [also] passed away. I’ve tried to keep in touch, but it seems the ties I have tried to create and maintain were not good enough. Should I just stop trying and move on?

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Dear Anonymous Inquirer,

Friendships stray all the time but it doesn’t make you any less friends. “Moving on,” sounds so drastic; especially when you don’t know the circumstances of the other party’s situation.

Perhaps you should consider giving your friend time to do his thing and walk his own path for a while. But don’t lose sight of what he means to you in your heart. You can’t be sure of what endeavors he’s involved in. He could have a new love; a new business; a broken heart; or a lost mind. He may have no phone; his vocal cords may have frozen and have not yet thawed out. He could be in jail or is simply just laying low. Maybe you’ve changed and he doesn’t know how to address you. The possibilities are endless and honestly, you just never know.

If you feel you’ve done everything you can to get in touch with him, then it’s time to chill out for a while. Continuing to be persistent in making him communicate with you before he’s ready could be considered border line stalking.  And trust me, no one likes a stalker. Well, maybe someone who’s crazy and desperate for attention. Though you don’t know whether or not your boy has gone loco, it’s pretty clear he isn’t desperate for attention.

True friends always come back like frisbees and pimples. So be patient and let time lead this relationship. If you two were as close as you say, you’re still in his heart and your paths will once again cross…but only according to destiny; not according to you.

Remember, “Time is a talker and needs no questioning before he speaks.”

Patience, young Jedi.

Hottywood

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NOTE:  CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Life Is Made of Choices: Remove Your Shoes or Scrub the Floor

In life we are introduced to new beginnings as we say goodbye to old endings.  Windows break with closing doors; backs heal from knives strategically placed by those you’d least suspect would kill your joy; friends come and go; hearts break and mend with time; and  lessons are learned with both careless and obvious mistakes.  It is the process and evolution of learning what you’re made of as well as identifying and not underestimating the bullsh*t of those who force you into a deep ditch of doo-doo.      

Life is all about choices…and there are plenty of them to make.  It’s not hard to make them when you know what your values are.  For it is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.  

But whatever choices you are faced to make and for whatever reason, you have to be strong in yourself and firm in your own beliefs so that your heart will not be lead astray by someone else’s way of thinking.  

  • If you choose to wear Monday’s underwear on the Friday before you wash clothes, own up to being a stinky ass.  The choice is yours to make.  
  • If you choose to read books that have only pictures and no words, own up to being a dummy who appreciates the beauty in visual art.  The choice is yours to make.   
  • If you choose to serenade the deaf, own up to the possibility of not having enough talent to perform in front of those who may cover their ears with sticks of dynamite.  The choice is yours to make.   

The bottom line is if you don’t own up to the root of who you are or don’t design your own life plan, you’ll fall into someone else’s.  And guess what that someone else will have planned for you.  Often times, not much. 

Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:  “There are times when a battle decides everything; and there are times when the most insignificant thing decides the outcome of a battle.”    –Napoleon Bonaparte

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 13-19, 2011

Roses are red; violets are blue.  When sh*t hits the fan, what will you do?  You Ask Hottywood of course! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Two ducks will jump one chicken five days after the third of next month and it will be all your fault. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Sometimes it takes an old school trick to beat a new school tactic. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Growing old does not constitute growing up.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everyone has a colorful past but they only show you what they want you to see in black and white.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A shower to a stinky man is like the piss of angels. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The most dangerous thing in this world is a smart ignorant man.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re not sure who did the cooking, don’t eat the food. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A polished toe still gets dirty when it lands in a puddle of mud.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t come out clean as a whistle without going through some mess.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A smelly butt stinks beneath the facade of clean underwear. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

When good people do nothing evil always win.  

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Common sense is not a universal language.

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Quote of the week:  “Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.”