Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 20-26, 2011

Good day and good cheer!  I’m glad that you’re here.  Now watch and behold as your future unfolds.  Fate is fickle, so you’ve been warned; but no man becomes wiser with a butt unscorned.

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” Who’s the first person you think of? 

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never come between two rhinos during mating season. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The only thing standing between you and an ultimate lottery prize is a winning ticket. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You can buy somebody but you can’t buy love.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can get people to do whatever you want them to do as long as you use the words, “Simon says…”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Everyone should heckle a speech at a turrets conference at least one time in their life. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re probably a bad cook if you use a smoke detector as a timer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you don’t put your foot down, everyone will step on your toes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Throw caution to a man who brings his own communion wine to church.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Having the last McDonald’s french fry on the planet either makes you the most loved person or the most hated.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Courage is doing what you’re scared of.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.  

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Expect the best; Prepare for the worst; Don’t give a sh*t about what others think and damn those who won’t let you do your own thing.

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Quote of the week:  “At the end of the day the last person to speak to you is God.”

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