Good day and good cheer! I’m glad that you’re here. Now watch and behold as your future unfolds. Fate is fickle, so you’ve been warned; but no man becomes wiser with a butt unscorned.
When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” Who’s the first person you think of?
HOTTYWOOD!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Never come between two rhinos during mating season.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The only thing standing between you and an ultimate lottery prize is a winning ticket.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You can buy somebody but you can’t buy love.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You can get people to do whatever you want them to do as long as you use the words, “Simon says…”
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Everyone should heckle a speech at a turrets conference at least one time in their life.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You’re probably a bad cook if you use a smoke detector as a timer.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If you don’t put your foot down, everyone will step on your toes.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Throw caution to a man who brings his own communion wine to church.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Having the last McDonald’s french fry on the planet either makes you the most loved person or the most hated.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Courage is doing what you’re scared of. There can be no courage unless you’re scared.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Blinking excessively is not sexy. It’s weird.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Expect the best; Prepare for the worst; Don’t give a sh*t about what others think and damn those who won’t let you do your own thing.
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Quote of the week: “At the end of the day the last person to speak to you is God.”
