Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 27-April 2, 2011

Last week was rough.  This we know.  But this is a new week so let’s see how it goes.  Things could be worse so nothing can be that bad, unless you’re pulled over by cops for driving on dead tags.  When they’re coming at you with handcuffs and there’s no one around to tell, I’ll still be your pen pal when they haul your ass to jail.  

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never trust anyone who shows their ass before they show their face. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your next lie will be as random as a tax audit. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone is laughing at you for thinking you got away with something you think no one saw you do.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Only a strong man lives to tell the tale of walking a mile in uncomfortable shoes. _________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Avoid anyone who wears skinny jeans.  They are straight jackets for legs. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Forty percent of the people you come in contact with today are wearing the same underwear they put on two days ago.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Every dog must bark up the wrong tree. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A blind man’s vision is more clear than a man who has no vision in sight.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If your shoes lean to the side, your life is unbalanced.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You hand out ass-whoopings and lollipops five days a week; but on Friday you will run out of lollipops.  

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The dirt under your fingernails will reveal how much dirt you’re hiding about yourself.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Not all leaders of the pack live off the fat of the land.

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Quote of the week:  “Reveal too much and you’re left with no secrets to keep.”

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