This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

So I’ve been following your blog and “Ask Hottywood” column.  My question may be a little annoying and kind of…well, I don’t know the word I’m looking for.  But anyway; I’m an attractive female.  Some people say I’m cute.  Some say I’m pretty.  Some say I’m beautiful.  Guys hit on me all the time but they usually just want to have sex.  If I’m so pretty, why am I single?  Why can’t I find Mr. Right?   

Thank you, 

My Phone Doesn’t Ring  

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Dear My Phone Doesn’t Ring, 

Um, what’s your number???  Just kidding [sorta].  

Let me be real with you.  You shouldn’t spend any time waiting around for Mr. Right.  The longer you wait, the longer it will take for him to arrive.  Fate and love/relationships go hand in hand.  When the time is right, your beau will come galloping along on a snow white donkey pony horse.  And when he finally arrives, you’ll appreciate him more because you weren’t expecting him.  If you’re searching, hoping, and/or waiting, you run the risk of unconsciously comparing Mr. Could Be to Mr. Right, which usually ends up being all wrong!  

To let you in on a little secret, a lot of attractive people have problems settling down with the person of their dreams.  The reason why that is, is because most people believe anyone who is appealing to the eye must either already be involved with someone or involved with a couple of someones.  It’s a sad stereotype but it’s true nonetheless. 

Commonly, pretty people are assumed to be high maintenance.  It isn’t that you aren’t able to find Mr. Right; Mr. Right might be scared of you based on the stereotype of your looks.  

Either way, you need to stop tripping off finding a man.  If you’re not careful you’ll end up with a man of your mind instead of a man of your dreams.  You have your whole life ahead of you [provided you don’t go out and step in front of a bus], so enjoy being single for as long as you can.  Enjoy dating.  Free movies, meals and vacations are something most people long for.  Heck, I wish someone would give me some freebies, alas this isn’t about me.  That’s a post for another blog.  As long as you can bat your pretty eyes, you’ll have a wide variety of Mr. Whatevers to choose from and compare until you meet the right guy.  All the worrying, wondering and waiting you’re doing right now is simply going to put bags under your eyes.  Then you’ll be writing me about this same question, only you’ll be asking if the bags under your eyes is the reason why no one wants to settle down with your ass.     

Like I tell everyone who asks me about this similar issue; just relax, have fun and enjoy the ride.  Impatience is a turn off.  Wait your turn.  Get wined and dined for a while.  Why the hell not?  Use it to your advantage while you can.  Just think of all the women who may not be as fortunate looking as you are and have no one gawking over them.  You should consider yourself lucky.  When you become totally irrelevant, that’s when you start worrying.    

I hope I’ve helped you out at least a little.  If not, then we can revisit you giving me your number!  I’m getting my donkey out of the shop soon.  Who knows, maybe I’ll be the one galloping your way.  In the meantime, avoid walking in the direct path of oncoming public transportation.  

Good luck, pretty lady.  

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:  What You Settle For is What You Get

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Letter from Management: Dear Employees; Get Over Yourself

Every now and then it’s necessary to take a walk in another man’s shoes.  And given that our boss is usually the one person that we see more than we see our own family, what better shoes to walk a mile in than his? 

When we think ‘boss’, we think ‘enemy,’ no matter how well intended that boss may be.  Ill feelings towards superiors is simply something that comes with the job title.  There’s like an underwritten clause about it the contracts.  Don’t quote me.  

But don’t you think our bosses have their days when they don’t give a rat’s ass about our whiny gripes and under-appreciatedness?   Think about it.  How often do you give a rat’s ass?  If you think having a boss who calls a staff meeting at eight in the morning is bad, then you’ve never eaten a bagel from the head of the conference room table before. 

Citizens of the working world, stand back as superior managers finally decide enough is enough! 

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MEMORANDUM 

TO:   All Employees 

FROM:   Management 

DATE:   Finally, Any and All the Time

SUBJECT:  FED UP!__________________________________________________________

To all fellow staff, though it is normal propaganda for management to send you correspondence to praise you for your continued hard work and commitment to the team, sadly we must bear the news of informing you that this is not that type of party. 

It has become apparent that some of you are unhappy with your current positions. Although some sympathy may be warranted, an executive decision has been made to collectively tell you all to get over yourselves.

For a little more than minimum wage [or whatever the annual rate is of the net worth you agreed to upon the date of your hire], you are expected to fulfill the duties required to execute all assigned projects either in a timely manner or within the ridiculously preposterous time frame we see fit…and without any lip!  With all of the busy work that we give to you to keep you out of our hair, we are certain that you have no more time to complain than we do to care. 

When we give you tasks as simple as sending Thank you cards to the wonderful group of strippers that showcase their nipple pasties at our annual Christmas party or clean up leftovers of a luncheon you aren’t invited to, we are simply exercising our right to do what we are paid the big bucks to do – Delegate and not care about your inexpensive little feelings.

You are obligated to comply with our needs and the needs we tell you are best for this company as in accordance with your Employee Manual, Article 256 Section 3-CII [pg. 781]. 

Effective Immediately: 

  1. We will no longer praise you for the duties you are compensated to perform.
  2. All privileges of extended lunch breaks; personal calls (which are by default routed to the Employment Management Review [EMR] committee); and internet access, to include any form of chat sessions, Craigslist, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter are banned.
  3. Toleration of your lack of initiative, poor body odor, profane language, uncoordinated outfits, neck rolls and inability to execute effectively and expeditiously will hereby desist.
  4. All personal jealousies and bitterness are prohibited on company time.
  5. Any spoken word of noncompliance, disapproval or discernment with what you are told to do by a member of senior staff or anyone holding an interim position of like authority will result in immediate termination. 

Any objections to these policies should be discussed with the personnel officer designated to put the final stamp on your pink slip.

Respectfully,

Cc:   

  • The President of the United States
  • God

RELATED ARTICLES: 

                                           

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Quote of the week:   “It’s better to be a ‘used to be’ than a ‘wanna be’ because most ‘wanna bes’ quickly become ‘has beens.’ 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of 17-23, 2011

To you it may seem the worst is the first but to Karma, it’s a thrill; a quench for a thirst.   You worry and rant and run and hide, trying to escape the voices inside.  It’s not so easy as you will see but lucky for you, you have me.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your next fast food meal will be prepared by a butch transvestite who has a fetish for bacon and possums.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who tells you, “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” deserves a dummy smack on the forehead with a rubberband. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Just because someone talks too much about a fictional character on a first date doesn’t mean they’re not marriage material. o_O 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be attacked by a pansexual hermaphrodite who has a fetish for public bathrooms and makes spit bubbles when he speaks. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

This is not your week for socializing.  A full moon causes you to be about as much fun as a negative pregnancy test. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Compliment someone on their left boob and give it a pet name. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

One of your ideas will be challenged by someone who spends a considerable amount of time having hairs removed from their toe knuckles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your name is another word for an uncircumcised European.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anyone who wears heavy makeup and has the dual personality of Ronald McDonald and The Joker.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is nothing more entertaining than watching a bipolar goldfish. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The love of your next life will live out of the trunk of their car. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A homeless man will make a deal with you; break it; and then steal from you. 

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Quote of the week:  “If anyone ever told you that you weren’t normal, hopefully they were right.  Normal isn’t exactly interesting, is it?”

Department Store Sales Associates are the Enemy

I have a question.

Am I the only one that wishes I had a bottle of insect repellent every time I walk inside a department store?  I mean really.  Is it absolutely necessary for a sales associate to hang around me like a mosquito? What is the politically correct way of telling them to get the hell away from me that doesn’t involve punching and a three-on-one battle with mall security?  Seriously, it’s like as soon as I walk into the store I can feel their beaty little eyes counting the change in my pockets with their x-ray vision. 

Attention Department Store Sales Associates: “When I’m ready to spend my money, I’ll let you know.” 

I shouldn’t walk into a store and feel as if I’ve stumbled into the wrong part of town where hustlers, prostitutes and crackheads throw themselves at me for my money.  In fact it makes me hold tighter to my wallet.  This is not only a major turn off, but a clear cut case of ‘No Way You’re Not Getting Any Commission Off Of Me, Sucka…I Have Mace!’ 

Explain to me why you think following me around the store like metal to a magnet and telling me I look good in the ugliest pair of jeans you have on the rack is going to persuade me to extinguish the fire that’s burning a hole in my pocket.  If you would only take a minute and think to yourself inside one of these dressing rooms, you’d consider the notion that I worked approximately 70 to 80 hours for 10% of my paycheck and there is no way in hell or any other place that’s equally as hot 3 months out of the year that I’m just gonna hand it over to you, just because you flashed some phony ass smile. 

You’re getting paid what…like four bucks an hour?  I know you’re making your wages off me.  But this is how it’s supposed to go: I walk in.  You greet me [cue your phony smile].  I browse around for a while.  You keep your hungry vulture-like appetite to yourself until you see that I’m blatantly undecided between two items in my hand.  Then you ask me if I need help with anything. 

The formula is simple.  It’s just like trying to get someone’s number at a party, club, or wherever fate may lead you.  Have some game before you make your move.  Take your time. Then ease your way in.  Otherwise you’ll end up being that weirdo at the party that gets no play! 

So I’m gonna keep this one short and sweet.  Back up and be patient.  I came to shop.  You’re here to sell.  It’s the rule.  It was established, like forever ago. 

The hungriest dog doesn’t always get the bone. 

Now let’s try this again.  It can’t be that hard.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started. 

Okay, ready. Set. GO…!

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Quote of the Week:   Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a
lack of imagination.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 10-16, 2011

Last week was crazy, that’s for sure.   Full of haters, doubters and people immature.   Now with the onset of a brand new week we look for luck and love and a lot of chicken wings to eat.  Preferably wings that have no feathers attached; but sometimes the smallest thing is too much to ask. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The bible says it’s not a good idea to let an illegal alien from Home Depot choke you while you touch yourself.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A belly button is a place to keep salt when you want to eat celery in bed. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

When a situation gets bad, squint real hard until everything looks like boobs. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Being an intolerable, judgmental extremist will take you in one of two directions, both leading to the emergency room. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A bad night at the club may lead to the phrase, “The Lord is my shepherd but you’re my ride home.” 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone who you’d never imagine could enlighten you on the one thing you know the most about will have a unibrow. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Any problem can be solved with an arm wrestle. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Both the warranty and the engine of your car will out at the same time.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Every time you hear the word “schmageggi,” you will have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Place your bet on anyone who will strip for potato chips. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of the stairs. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t wear deotorant for three days and the person you don’t want to be bothered with will suddenly disappear. 

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Quote of the week:  “Weirdos you can trust.  It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

 

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood. _________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood,  

After dating for almost two years, my ex-boyfriend and I have broken up.  I haven’t heard from him in about six months, until recently, when he called me to tell me he had a new girlfriend.  Do I have a right to be mad?  …because I am!   

Broken Hearted Brick Thrower 

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Dear Broken Hearted Brick Thrower, 

I really wish I could take your side here, but sadly I can not.  Though I sympathize with your broken heart, I am compelled to ask you exactly what it is you’re mad about.  You couldn’t be mad at him (or at least you shouldn’t be) considering the breakup was half a year ago.  

People date.  They love.  They break up.  They lose and they heal.  It’s a part of life.  Failed relationships are nothing but a stepping stone to an ultimate [Earthly] relationship.

If you put your life on hold because some man chose another over you, then the only person you should be mad at is yourself for not giving you more credit than you deserve.  While you’re sitting at home cutting out paper voodoo dolls, your ex is having the time of his life with his new bun, not worrying about you or what you’re doing.  So he’s winning a battle he doesn’t even know he’s fighting.  If you harbor any negative feelings towards him at all, they aren’t anger-related.  What you’re feeling is jealousy.  You’re jealous because he didn’t want what you wanted at the same time you wanted it.  You’re jealous because he found someone more compatible with him.  And you’re jealous because he’s happy and you’re not.  You need to take a little time for yourself and stop consuming your thoughts with someone who doesn’t want you.  

I never really understood why people felt a need to call their exes to tell, explain, gloat, or whatever you choose call it, that they are in a new relationship.  I have not yet found a logical explanation except that they want you to be jealous.  Though it’s not acceptable, it is common.  It’s also very stupid because he should be focusing on the new instead of the old.  [REAL TALK: So should you.]   If in fact, making you jealous is what he was trying to do when he called you, then you shouldn’t play into his trap.  

If you haven’t already given him a reaction, when he calls you again (and he will call you again), do one of two things:  (1) wish him much success in his new relationship; or (2) tell him you’ve hit the lottery and are now dating someone better looking and way better in bed than he is.  Nothing hits below the belt better than hitting below the belt!  

Now to sum this up and answer your question as simply as I can: No.  You have no right to be angry with him.  He’s someone else’s problem now; and you’re exes for a reason.  Seriously, after six months it’s about time for you to get over it!  Go out.  Have a drink.  Get a little loose and then check back with me when you’ve opened your eyes.  This world is filled with too many hook ups, one-night stands and trial relationships to be stuck harping on the one that got away.  Truth be told, it wasn’t your choice or his.  It was ordered by a divine power.  You ought to get on your knees and thank your lucky stars.  For all you know you could still be with your ex, writing me a letter about how much you want out of your relationship for reasons only you and God knows. 

So get over it and get laid!  Good luck. 

RELATED ARTICLE:  What Becomes of a Broken Heart: Getting the Last Laugh

Hottywood

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HottywoodHelps.com Announces This Month’s Junior Hottywood Writer of the Month

April 2011 – This month, we are not simply going to celebrate the honors of one gifted student for his/her impeccable writing abilities, nor one school.  Instead, we are going to celebrate an ensemble of youngsters who sing praises to the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  After all, songs are words set to music.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to the Angelic Choir of Second Baptist Church Southwest for celebrating 48 years of lifting up the name of Jesus in song!  

On Sunday, April 3, 2011, twenty-nine gifted and talented youth came together to render musical selections to dozens of witnesses who gathered in the sanctuary of Second Baptist, a community church located in Washington DC’s Southwest district, to commemorate the achievement of another year of the choir’s musical service.  Drums beat, voices lifted, and the holy spirit filled the building as the melodic adolescent group sang, danced and recognized the scholastic achievements of those [choir] members who landed a place in line for this year’s honor roll.  

HottywoodHelps.com chose the children of the Angelic Choir to honor as this month’s Junior Hottywood Writer(s) of the Month because of their dedication, faith and commitment to God’s word.  

In the troubling times that we face now, children have a tendency to stray towards the gray areas of life – but not these children.  Instead of stomping their feet and rolling their eyes at the sound of the word “church,” these children are proudly and prayerfully taking in proper lessons from their parents, pastor and choir coordinators to follow a road promised by a power greater than all powers.  

These children have rallied to say “No” to the fast life and “Yes” to the promised life!  And for that, they are to be commended. 

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*Please join me in a round of congratulations to Second Baptist Church Southwest’s Angelic Choir for being this year’s 4th Junior Hottywood Writer(s) of the Month and the first church [choir] ever to be chosen for this rewarding title! 

-Hottywood

Second Baptist Church SW Angelic Choir, Washington DC