What do we hate more than liars and cheaters and people who are pressed? More than double-crossers and people who are above the rest? More than people who stink and are filled with doubt? The only thing worse is not knowing how the week will turn out.
When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?
HOTTYWOOD!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Today you have officially reached the KMA [Kiss My Ass] age. _________________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The need to wear green underwear all week is because green represents luck. And your need for luck is about as obvious as a whale peddling a bike.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Be careful of reading the right speech from the wrong page.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Mexican prostitutes expose themselves in unwashed windows.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Nothing is more dangerous than a rich bitch who fiends for a low life.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
All crowded elevators smell differently to midgets.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Man who drops his watch in toilet has a sh*tty time.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A wise man once said if you eat with one chopstick, you’re bound to go hungry.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Careful not to get too big for your britches, otherwise you’ll get exposed in the end.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Someone will waste 20 minutes of life in a cold conversation filled with hot air.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Don’t be surprised when everyone calls you cheap for expecting too much for too little.
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Quote of the week: “Every train must blow a little steam before its engine cools.”
