Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 3-9, 2011

What do we hate more than liars and cheaters and people who are pressed?  More than double-crossers and people who are above the rest?  More than people who stink and are filled with doubt?  The only thing worse is not knowing how the week will turn out. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Today you have officially reached the KMA [Kiss My Ass] age.  _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The need to wear green underwear all week is because green represents luck. And your need for luck is about as obvious as a whale peddling a bike. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Be careful of reading the right speech from the wrong page. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Mexican prostitutes expose themselves in unwashed windows. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Nothing is more dangerous than a rich bitch who fiends for a low life. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

All crowded elevators smell differently to midgets. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Man who drops his watch in toilet has a sh*tty time. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A wise man once said if you eat with one chopstick, you’re bound to go hungry.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Careful not to get too big for your britches, otherwise you’ll get exposed in the end. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone will waste 20 minutes of life in a cold conversation filled with hot air. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t be surprised when everyone calls you cheap for expecting too much for too little. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Every train must blow a little steam before its engine cools.”

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