Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 10-16, 2011

Last week was crazy, that’s for sure.   Full of haters, doubters and people immature.   Now with the onset of a brand new week we look for luck and love and a lot of chicken wings to eat.  Preferably wings that have no feathers attached; but sometimes the smallest thing is too much to ask. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The bible says it’s not a good idea to let an illegal alien from Home Depot choke you while you touch yourself.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A belly button is a place to keep salt when you want to eat celery in bed. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

When a situation gets bad, squint real hard until everything looks like boobs. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Being an intolerable, judgmental extremist will take you in one of two directions, both leading to the emergency room. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A bad night at the club may lead to the phrase, “The Lord is my shepherd but you’re my ride home.” 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone who you’d never imagine could enlighten you on the one thing you know the most about will have a unibrow. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Any problem can be solved with an arm wrestle. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Both the warranty and the engine of your car will out at the same time.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Every time you hear the word “schmageggi,” you will have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Place your bet on anyone who will strip for potato chips. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

On Thursday, your hair will thin until there’s nothing left but a bald spot that’s only noticeable when you stand at the bottom of the stairs. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t wear deotorant for three days and the person you don’t want to be bothered with will suddenly disappear. 

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Quote of the week:  “Weirdos you can trust.  It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”

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