Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of 17-23, 2011

To you it may seem the worst is the first but to Karma, it’s a thrill; a quench for a thirst.   You worry and rant and run and hide, trying to escape the voices inside.  It’s not so easy as you will see but lucky for you, you have me.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your next fast food meal will be prepared by a butch transvestite who has a fetish for bacon and possums.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who tells you, “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” deserves a dummy smack on the forehead with a rubberband. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Just because someone talks too much about a fictional character on a first date doesn’t mean they’re not marriage material. o_O 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be attacked by a pansexual hermaphrodite who has a fetish for public bathrooms and makes spit bubbles when he speaks. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

This is not your week for socializing.  A full moon causes you to be about as much fun as a negative pregnancy test. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Compliment someone on their left boob and give it a pet name. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

One of your ideas will be challenged by someone who spends a considerable amount of time having hairs removed from their toe knuckles. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your name is another word for an uncircumcised European.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anyone who wears heavy makeup and has the dual personality of Ronald McDonald and The Joker.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is nothing more entertaining than watching a bipolar goldfish. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The love of your next life will live out of the trunk of their car. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A homeless man will make a deal with you; break it; and then steal from you. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “If anyone ever told you that you weren’t normal, hopefully they were right.  Normal isn’t exactly interesting, is it?”

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One thought on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of 17-23, 2011

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