Letter from Management: Dear Employees; Get Over Yourself

Every now and then it’s necessary to take a walk in another man’s shoes.  And given that our boss is usually the one person that we see more than we see our own family, what better shoes to walk a mile in than his? 

When we think ‘boss’, we think ‘enemy,’ no matter how well intended that boss may be.  Ill feelings towards superiors is simply something that comes with the job title.  There’s like an underwritten clause about it the contracts.  Don’t quote me.  

But don’t you think our bosses have their days when they don’t give a rat’s ass about our whiny gripes and under-appreciatedness?   Think about it.  How often do you give a rat’s ass?  If you think having a boss who calls a staff meeting at eight in the morning is bad, then you’ve never eaten a bagel from the head of the conference room table before. 

Citizens of the working world, stand back as superior managers finally decide enough is enough! 

*** 

MEMORANDUM 

TO:   All Employees 

FROM:   Management 

DATE:   Finally, Any and All the Time

SUBJECT:  FED UP!__________________________________________________________

To all fellow staff, though it is normal propaganda for management to send you correspondence to praise you for your continued hard work and commitment to the team, sadly we must bear the news of informing you that this is not that type of party. 

It has become apparent that some of you are unhappy with your current positions. Although some sympathy may be warranted, an executive decision has been made to collectively tell you all to get over yourselves.

For a little more than minimum wage [or whatever the annual rate is of the net worth you agreed to upon the date of your hire], you are expected to fulfill the duties required to execute all assigned projects either in a timely manner or within the ridiculously preposterous time frame we see fit…and without any lip!  With all of the busy work that we give to you to keep you out of our hair, we are certain that you have no more time to complain than we do to care. 

When we give you tasks as simple as sending Thank you cards to the wonderful group of strippers that showcase their nipple pasties at our annual Christmas party or clean up leftovers of a luncheon you aren’t invited to, we are simply exercising our right to do what we are paid the big bucks to do – Delegate and not care about your inexpensive little feelings.

You are obligated to comply with our needs and the needs we tell you are best for this company as in accordance with your Employee Manual, Article 256 Section 3-CII [pg. 781]. 

Effective Immediately: 

  1. We will no longer praise you for the duties you are compensated to perform.
  2. All privileges of extended lunch breaks; personal calls (which are by default routed to the Employment Management Review [EMR] committee); and internet access, to include any form of chat sessions, Craigslist, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter are banned.
  3. Toleration of your lack of initiative, poor body odor, profane language, uncoordinated outfits, neck rolls and inability to execute effectively and expeditiously will hereby desist.
  4. All personal jealousies and bitterness are prohibited on company time.
  5. Any spoken word of noncompliance, disapproval or discernment with what you are told to do by a member of senior staff or anyone holding an interim position of like authority will result in immediate termination. 

Any objections to these policies should be discussed with the personnel officer designated to put the final stamp on your pink slip.

Respectfully,

Cc:   

  • The President of the United States
  • God

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__________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “It’s better to be a ‘used to be’ than a ‘wanna be’ because most ‘wanna bes’ quickly become ‘has beens.’ 

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  1. Pingback: Pathology

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