Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 29-June 4, 2011

Who knows what the week has in store for you. Maybe a big fat pay day or a big ass boo-boo. One thing is for sure that I know without a doubt. Half the thrill of the battle is waiting to see how things turn out.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Give yourself the option of not making losing an option.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The soul of a boy trapped in the body of a man is a double bladed sword. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Falling on your ass makes you appreciate standing on your feet. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

By a gerbil.  Name it Bitch.  That way you’ll have a legitimate reason for telling people you have to go home to feed your bitch.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Winning is everything when you have everything to lose. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s not good if you have enough hair on your knees to grate cheese.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Only a true friend would advise a pal against getting corn-rows when he has a bald spot in the crown of his head. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Consider it bad luck to mistake a pooper scooper for your hair brush.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Answer all phone calls using sign language.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

All the things you are unclear about will be just as confusing at the end of the day. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Do not plan on getting hit by a moving bus without giving your job two weeks notice, first. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your chance of dying on your way to get a lottery ticket is greater than your chances of winning.   

_________________________________________________________

Advertisements

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

_________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood,  

I broke into my boyfriend’s voicemail and found the number of the girl he’s been cheating with. What should I say when I call her?  

Signed,  

Red-Handed 

### 

Dear Red-Handed, 

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.  You broke into your boyfriend’s voicemail???  Shame on you.  This is a problem within itself. Love is blind; it’s not stupid.  By hacking into this guy’s phone, which is a violation of privacy and I’m sure some kind of law, you’ve placed an unnecessary stress on yourself.  If you had a reason for thinking he was cheating on you then you shouldn’t have thrown any more salt onto the wound.  When it comes down to people and how much faith you put into them, more times than a few, it’s necessary to go with your gut.  You already knew he was in the wrong.  Your next question should’ve been, “what am I going to do to get out of this situation?”  But because you chose to go another route, the choice you made has now made you equally untrustworthy.  …different acts; same principle. Before you think about approaching anyone with anything, you need to have a reasonably acceptable answer when your man asks you what you were doing snooping through his phone.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  They only level the playing field. 

To be honest with you, you shouldn’t call the girl at all.  That wouldn’t solve your problem. It would instead be adding to it. The person that you need to talk to is your boyfriend.  You can’t control another man’s house without your own home being in order.  Despite what role the chick played in the situation, your problem lies within your relationship.  Approaching any third party for whatever reason is a good example of the need to know when to pick and choose your battles.  She should be the last thing on your mind. 

Now I’m not going to tell you that you and this man don’t need to be together. And I’m not going to tell you that the girl he’s cheating with doesn’t need to have her ass kicked.  What I am going to tell you is that you need to focus on making yourself your own number one priority and worry about more important sh*t. 

Here are some thoughts that will help you in your current relationship or the next.  Because you’ve admitted to hacking into someone’s phone, be advised that these quotes apply to both you and the persons you involve yourself with, whatever the association: 

  • What is done in the dark will soon come to light.”
  • All will be told when the scroll unfolds.”
  • When you mess with fire, your ass gets burned.”
  • Chase dreams, not people.”

I’m curious to know how everything works out.  Make sure you come back and give me an update.  Good luck.

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:  What You Settle For is What You Get

_________________________________________________

CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 22-28, 2011

You need your five basic senses to face your week:

  1. Sight: You’ve got to be able to spot bullsh*t a mile away.
  2. Sound: All the things people don’t say are the things you want to hear.
  3. Smell: Not everyone can be trusted.  You’ve got to be able to smell a rat.
  4. Touch: Everyone should know what it feels like to have a door slammed in their face.
  5. Taste: There is nothing sweeter than the taste of victory.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

As a general rule, you should not be the first person to answer a question.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a cliff at the end of every mile you take from the inch someone gives you. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are an example of what might happen if you box in a ring without head gear. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can save a lot of time getting ready for work in the morning by showering with your clothes on.  Although the wet look is totally washed out.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There are two things you should always remember: (1) where you came from; and (2) you can’t always afford to leave the way you came. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Discovering you’ve had too much of a good thing is either a let down or a blessing in disguise.  Depends on which way your eyes are crossed.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A smart celebrity is getting paid to look stupid for a couple of months while your dumb ass continues to do it for free. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You learn the most valuable lessons when you get caught breaking the rules.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Go to the barber or stylist whose hair looks the most raggety.  They have so many clients they don’t have time to keep themselves up.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

No one wants to be around you today because the fragrance you’re wearing smells like wet puppy fur. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Everyone you talk to today will speak one of two languages: (1) pig latin or (2) nonsense. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The only thing that’s free in this world is salvation.  And that’s only because someone paid it all when He died for your sins.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “It’s a damn shame, and even worse, if your Sunday communion is a sip of the devil’s nectar.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: May 15-21, 2011

The week usually begins with something witty to say.  Alas every day this week will feel like Monday. And when those days get to feeling like this, the only thing that comes to mind are the words, “oh sh*t!”

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A bullsh*tter will tell you a whole bunch of nothing.  What they don’t say is what you want to hear.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your private parts will wreak of smelly feet for 48 hours.  

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Wear a cape tomorrow.  The back of your pants will stick to your butt like envelope glue.  

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Sometimes you need distance to get close. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Not many people are willing to give you the fruits of their labor if you have nothing to bring to the table. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Being out of control upon entering another man’s house only shows how much order you have in  your own. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

How much is it worth if you look good but there’s nothing good about you? 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Not every blessing is meant to be shared because you aren’t strong enough to prevent the devil from taking it away.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You haircut makes you look like the mayor of a small mexican town.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Appreciate laughter except when it comes out of your nose. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Only a wise ass or a dumb man can validate “1” and “1” totalling eleven. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The phrase, “dropping the ball,” has nothing to do with what’s inside a man’s pants. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “What do you call a dog with no legs?  It doesn’t matter.  He isn’t going to come.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 8-14, 2011

Mother’s Day is over and your pockets are flat.  Monday has arrived and now you’ve got to get through that.  Who knows what the hell you may be walking into; but when times get too rough ask yourself, “What would Hottywood do?” 

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Prepare to get into a physical altercation as someone will mistake you for a son of a monkey’s uncle.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Appreciate today because tomorrow may be no different than being stuck in an elevator with a bunch of people you owe money to. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

It’s really hard to put yourself out there and not make an ass out of yourself.  

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the day it’s going to be a bad thing that’ll make you feel good, but not necessarily for the wrong reasons. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The only secret you can be trusted with is your age. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Somewhere in the world, there is a greeting card for having a mole removed from your back. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

It’s really hard to throw a bucket of hot water on nosy neighbors from the top floor when you live on the bottom. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you’ve ever thought about tossing a Mr. Potato Head doll in a skillet with some onions and hot grease, then you are someone who is not to be !#%ed with.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anyone who wears a hair net on their beard.  Especially if it’s a lady.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

When a lady stays too long at the fair, a gentleman loses interest. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There’s nothing more annoying than the probationary period of a new relationship. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When you think about it, “One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure,” is kind of gross. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “You can’t come out clean if you don’t get a little dirty first.”

Hottywood Helps Announces May Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month

May 2011 – Kats and kittens, five months into the new year and HottywoodHelps.com has decided to expand its appreciation of young artists, beginning with this month’s featured student, Dominique McCoy. 

Dominique is a student at Francis Stevens Education Campus located in Washington, DC. Her hobbies include reading Fancy Nancy books, coloring, playing with dolls and bonding with her brother. She was chosen to be this month’s featured student artist for receiving the honor of having her art work displayed in the 11th Annual Student Art Exhibition, now showing at the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. This exhibition showcases an array of student artistic achievement in the District of Columbia. 

Though many schools participated and hundreds of artworks are currently on display, this month we give recognition to the adorable and charismatic Dominique for proving that there is no age requirement on talent nor art.

***

*Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to Dominique McCoy for being this year’s 5th official Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month!

Dominique McCoy, age 4 Washington DC

To see all of this year’s Junior Hottywood Artists of the month click [HERE].

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

_________________________________________________

Dear Hottywood, 

I have been going through a lot of life-altering changes recently; going from being completely taken care of by Granny to being all on my own with basically no one to call on. I have gone from being on my own to becoming a parent and having a life that I am responsible for.  To top it off, since the death of my grandmother, it has been one obstacle to overcome after another.  

The only thing that plagues me is that I feel depressed a lot. Feelings of rage, anxiety, sorrow, joy and fright riddle me throughout each day.  Not saying that I have the market cornered on suffering, but it feels very overwhelming.  I have noticed a serious change in how I act now versus before my grandmother’s death. I feel lost; like no one really cares at all for me. I never did well with love and true friends are few and far between.  I have thought about getting counseling or something but I don’t feel that I am crazy. I just feel so alone at times. *Sigh*   

I don’t know what I’m asking really, Hottywood.  Maybe I should ask, “How do I get myself back to myself?”, if u can understand what that means.  

Signed, 

SOS please send help!!!! 

### 

Dear SOS, 

You make it really difficult to make a heavy situation light.  Let me begin by telling you that I understand completely where you are coming from.  Life is not easy.  In fact, it’s hard as sh*t.  But if you want my opinion, and it’s obvious that you do because you asked for it, the answer itself is simple.  The act however will not come so easy.  

You’ve suffered a great loss with the death of your grandmother.  And my condolences go out to you and your family.  What I am going to need for you to try to do is understand that your grandmother has lived a full life.  She’s no doubt seen hard times.  She’s raised her children, been dissed by family and friends; laughed; loved; and lost.  Her time to go home to glory was the will of God.  But during her time here on Earth, she’s left behind a legacy.  You.  

She’s taught and given you everything that you need to continue living and growing in your life so that you may be just as strong for your child as she was for you.  This is not a time to mourn her.  Especially with the way things are now in this world; sky rocketing gas prices; tsunamis; and KFC being accused of not selling real chicken.  This is a time to thank and celebrate her for all that she’s given to you.  

Now you have to take all the strength that she instilled in you and apply it to yourself.  Trouble doesn’t last always, so as long as you allow yourself to feel depressed by the natural and immoral pitfalls of life, you’ll condemn yourself to be a repeat offender of something you can’t control.  

Friends, jobs and relationships come and go so there’s no need to dwell on those.  The words, “EFF THEM” comes to mind but what would Granny say?  All those changes that you are going through are signs that are letting you know that it’s time to take another step in your life and move the hell on from those menial things.  Most friends are not friends at all.  Most jobs are not careers and most relationships only take place after 9:30pm.  

Stop focusing on the negative and start looking towards the positive.  You have your health, your mind and your baby.  What else do you need?  You ought to take the values that you’ve gained from your Granny and love and teach your baby to grow up to be strong, healthy and happy.  You are the lifeline now.  You can’t grow without a little struggle.  We all need a little dirt to grow.  You can’t appreciate the good if you don’t experience the bad.  The way I see it, life is a wheel.  What’s down today will be up tomorrow.  Be patient, trusting and faithful in my main man J. Christ and trust that what he has for you is for you.  

Now if my answers have not satisfied you, then may I suggest you strip and run naked through the hallways of a conservative donut shop exclusive only to those persons who have given up sex for the taste of powdered sugar?  See where that lands you and then tell me how depressed you are.  

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning…and that saying has nothing to do with booty calls.  Time heals all wounds.  The first thing you gotta do is look at the glass of kool-aid as being half full instead of half empty.  You’ll be okay because you have to be.  You have to be fine for your baby first and for yourself second.  As for everyone and everything else, they’re just players on the chess board.  And at the end of the game all the pieces go back into the same box.  

“You can’t grow without a little struggle.” 

You don’t need luck.  You need faith.  But I’ll pray for you any how.  

Hottywood

_________________________________________________

CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood