Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 8-14, 2011

Mother’s Day is over and your pockets are flat.  Monday has arrived and now you’ve got to get through that.  Who knows what the hell you may be walking into; but when times get too rough ask yourself, “What would Hottywood do?” 

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Prepare to get into a physical altercation as someone will mistake you for a son of a monkey’s uncle.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Appreciate today because tomorrow may be no different than being stuck in an elevator with a bunch of people you owe money to. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

It’s really hard to put yourself out there and not make an ass out of yourself.  

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the day it’s going to be a bad thing that’ll make you feel good, but not necessarily for the wrong reasons. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The only secret you can be trusted with is your age. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Somewhere in the world, there is a greeting card for having a mole removed from your back. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

It’s really hard to throw a bucket of hot water on nosy neighbors from the top floor when you live on the bottom. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you’ve ever thought about tossing a Mr. Potato Head doll in a skillet with some onions and hot grease, then you are someone who is not to be !#%ed with.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anyone who wears a hair net on their beard.  Especially if it’s a lady.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

When a lady stays too long at the fair, a gentleman loses interest. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There’s nothing more annoying than the probationary period of a new relationship. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When you think about it, “One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure,” is kind of gross. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “You can’t come out clean if you don’t get a little dirty first.”

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