Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 22-28, 2011

You need your five basic senses to face your week:

  1. Sight: You’ve got to be able to spot bullsh*t a mile away.
  2. Sound: All the things people don’t say are the things you want to hear.
  3. Smell: Not everyone can be trusted.  You’ve got to be able to smell a rat.
  4. Touch: Everyone should know what it feels like to have a door slammed in their face.
  5. Taste: There is nothing sweeter than the taste of victory.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

As a general rule, you should not be the first person to answer a question.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a cliff at the end of every mile you take from the inch someone gives you. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are an example of what might happen if you box in a ring without head gear. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can save a lot of time getting ready for work in the morning by showering with your clothes on.  Although the wet look is totally washed out.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There are two things you should always remember: (1) where you came from; and (2) you can’t always afford to leave the way you came. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Discovering you’ve had too much of a good thing is either a let down or a blessing in disguise.  Depends on which way your eyes are crossed.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A smart celebrity is getting paid to look stupid for a couple of months while your dumb ass continues to do it for free. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You learn the most valuable lessons when you get caught breaking the rules.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Go to the barber or stylist whose hair looks the most raggety.  They have so many clients they don’t have time to keep themselves up.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

No one wants to be around you today because the fragrance you’re wearing smells like wet puppy fur. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Everyone you talk to today will speak one of two languages: (1) pig latin or (2) nonsense. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The only thing that’s free in this world is salvation.  And that’s only because someone paid it all when He died for your sins.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “It’s a damn shame, and even worse, if your Sunday communion is a sip of the devil’s nectar.” 

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