Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 26-July 2, 2011

At the very moment the sun closed its eyes to sleep the moon brought out the freakiest of freaks. Freaks disguised as people to whom money you owe and that whiny coworker whose ink pen you stole. They plotted all week to get you stuck in a love triangle with karma and luck. What happens next can only be told through the scribes of a scroll as it slowly unfolds.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19  

People will be able to look at your eyebrows and tell if your underwear are too tight.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It is your concern when your neighbor’s wall is on fire.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The universe will use you as a guinea pig to test the theory of finding luck in a pigeon crapping on your head.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Escape a sticky situation by answering a question with a question. You will sound more convincing if you speak in Pig Latin and a Jamaican accent.  

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You feel like your life is going nowhere right now, and you’re probably right. But the guy sitting next to you is going nowhere a hell of a lot faster, so you’re all good.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You only got dressed this morning because you had to. If anyone asks, the electric company turned your lights off and you dressed yourself in the dark. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A very nice gentlemen will show up at your door step with a sheriff and about twenty furniture movers. Things might get ugly. Bake cookies.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The stars have foreseen and it would appear that in your next life you will be a Walmart cashier.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The only thing you can answer that never asks any questions is a telephone.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you want to sh!t at ease put your elbows on your knees.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

They say there’s only one month that has 28 days. Technically, that’s a lie.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake. 

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” 

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