Ladies and Gentlemen,
Welcome to Monday, where 9 o’clock has no end.
This week is not destined and there’s much to be told. So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If no one wants to get close to you today, it’s probably because you bear an unsettling resemblance to an archery target.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Using two hands to lift a sword leaves your chest wide open.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Every secret has its clues.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You generally expect too much for too little which usually makes people think your ass is cheap.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone is going to tell you something “they” said. Instead of focusing on what was said, you will spend more time stressing out over who the hell “they” are.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If the silent treatment is the last conversation you’ve had with your enemy, when conflict arises you’ve already begun dialogue.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Disappointment builds character. So does a baseball bat, depending on which end of the bat you’re standing on.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Most people consider you to be kind and apologetic and knows that you make other people problems your own. In translation you are a big sucker. Man up, wuss!
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You are selfish and greedy and often times fall asleep while having sex.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Your best friend is the perfect son of a bitch which probably makes you two a pair in a pod. But who the hell cares what people think, except all those folks who think you are just like your best friend?_________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A soft behind fears thin ice.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
“A frown is just a smile standing on its head,” would make perfect sense if our feet and our heads were in reverse positions.
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Quote of the week: “Skydiving is the last thing you should be doing when quoting the limerick, “if at first you don’t succeed…”
A man’s period doesn’t operate on the same cycle as a woman’s because obviously we have no uterus (can I get a “thank goodness,” and a “hallelujah,” on that?). Our cycles are rather more sporadic, depending on the drop in levels of the hormone testosterone in our system. 
It’s never a good thing when you overhear someone talking negatively about you. The first thing any average person wants to do is smear vaseline over their face and go all WWF on a mofo! As much fun as drop-kicking someone sounds, I wouldn’t advise that during normal business hours. Save the violence for the after hours cocktails with the staff. That way you can blame the ass-whooping on alcohol consumption. 
What would you give if you could see the crap that happens before 3[:00]? Today’s solutions to tomorrow’s worries; a heating pad for tomorrow’s flurries. Eyes to look into the future to block bad luck’s hold. An ass to tell it to kiss with bravery so bold. 
