Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 24-30, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to Monday, where 9 o’clock has no end.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If no one wants to get close to you today, it’s probably because you bear an unsettling resemblance to an archery target.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Using two hands to lift a sword leaves your chest wide open. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Every secret has its clues. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You generally expect too much for too little which usually makes people think your ass is cheap.

 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is going to tell you something “they” said.  Instead of focusing on what was said, you will spend more time stressing out over who the hell “they” are. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If the silent treatment is the last conversation you’ve had with your enemy, when conflict arises you’ve already begun dialogue.  

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Disappointment builds character.  So does a baseball bat, depending on which end of the bat you’re standing on.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Most people consider you to be kind and apologetic and knows that you make other people problems your own.  In translation you are a big sucker.  Man up, wuss! 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are selfish and greedy and often times fall asleep while having sex.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your best friend is the perfect son of a bitch which probably makes you two a pair in a pod.  But who the hell cares what people think, except all those folks who think you are just like your best friend?_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A soft behind fears thin ice. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

“A frown is just a smile standing on its head,” would make perfect sense if our feet and our heads were in reverse positions. 

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Quote of the week:  “Skydiving is the last thing you should be doing when quoting the limerick, “if at first you don’t succeed…” 

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I recently got into a pretty bad argument with my girlfriend.  The argument resulted in her telling me that I’m acting like a real !@%# on her period.  That got me to thinking.  I notice that we get into the smallest arguments that escalate into the biggest deals, at least twice a month.   

My question to you is, “Do men have periods?”   

Sign,  

Man Cramps 

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Dear Man Cramps, 

Have you ever wondered why you’ve wanted to punch an alarm clock or a meter maid?  Curse out your girlfriends, baby mama or some random stranger on the street for no apparent reason?  Well I’ve got three words for you: Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), aka, male PMS!  So Man Cramps, in answer to your question, “Yes, men do have periods.”  

A man’s period doesn’t operate on the same cycle as a woman’s because obviously we have no uterus (can I get a “thank goodness,” and a “hallelujah,” on that?).  Our cycles are rather more sporadic, depending on the drop in levels of the hormone testosterone in our system.  

Like PMS for women, IMS comes with a wet paper bag full of symptoms that include irritability, mood swings, hot flashes, depression, anger, feelings of anxiety, hypersensitivity, headaches, backaches and even stomach cramps.  Because IMS is caused by falls in levels of testosterone, there can also be a result of lack of sexual arousal and sexual dysfunction (say it ain’t so!).  

Actually, there have been a number of studies conducted on animals focusing on male PMS.  One such study was tested on [male] sheep.  In the study, scientists noted that the testosterone levels in the sheep were highest in the autumn months, during which time the male sheep experienced an increase in mating activity.  In the winter months, hormone levels dropped dramatically and the sheep became nervous and anxious around females. The decrease in testosterone also caused the males to lash out at one another. 

If you think your acting like an asshole is a result of you going through your “male monthly,” there is something you can do about it.  Sometimes IMS symptoms can be alleviated with topical creams, such as male progesterone cream or AndroGel.  Other suggestions to keep your sh*t under control is to make sure you have a sufficient amount of calcium and magnesium in your system.  You can curtail your bitchiness a little bit by getting on a more health conscious diet.  Lay off burgers, fries and stadium hotdogs and try to stick with more healthy choices of food.  It’s not as simple as it sounds considering burgers and fries are like the national anthem for the reverse of the four basic food groups.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started.  Anyway, 10 percent saturated fat, 25 percent fat, 35 percent low glycemic carbohydrates (carbohydrates that are digested slowly and that do not cause insulin levels to spike) and 40 percent protein will keep your girlfriend from secretly telling all her friends that you’re just a little girl trapped in a man’s body.  With this diet plan, approximately 30 to 40 minutes of exercise each day, six to eight hours of sleep each night, and a lot of sexual attention from your girl (or some other girl if things aren’t working out with your current situation) when she isn’t turned off by your man cramps, you can reduce the symptoms of IMS, stabilize your hormones, and get back to wearing the pants in your relationship. 

The down side of IMS is that it makes most men feel emasculated to have such a “bitch” thing happen to them (provided they are aware of IMS at all), since traditionally menstruation has never been associated with men.  

The up side is now you have a legitimate reason to act like a fool at least once a month, although you don’t have to limit your foolishness to once a month since you’re not operating off the same hormonal cycle as a chick.  Remember, a woman’s cycle is monthly while a man’s cycle depends on the level drop in hormones.  You also have a justifiable reason to get out of a bunch of sh*t you don’t want to be bothered with.  

  • You’re not in the mood to have a particular conversation?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t want to go to work in the morning?  Use man cramps as your excuse! 
  • You don’t like someone’s [horrible] cooking?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t want to change up for gym class?  Use man cramps as your excuse!  

It’s a good thing you came to me.  Otherwise you’d just be labeled an angry asshole for nothing.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!  Good luck with that.  

Hottywood

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle Sunday Worship Guide

Sunday, July 17, 2011

12:07 pm 

El gran libro de los tacos gratis por un dólar noventa y cinco

Page 129, 1st Verse:  Satan gave me a taco. 

   
Call to Worship, Invocation…………………… Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump
   
Processional……………………………………… Give It To Me Right Senior Choir & 6” High Heel Chorus
   
Selection………………………………………….. Give It To Me Right Senior Choir
   
Scripture Reading……………………………… Heratio Fellatio Jenkins, Jr.

Book of Dru Hill 1:16 ~ Somebody’s Sleeping in My Bed (KJV)

   
Prayer……………………………………………… Sister Nita Mindyo Bidness
   
Welcome………………………………………….. Elder Eunice “Granny Cakes” Wilya PooPoo
   
Church Announcements………………………. Gabby Gossip, Church Clerk
   
Selections………………………………………… 6” High Heel Chorus featuring The Heaven’s Gates Pitbull Band
   
Tithes and Offering…………………………….. Brother Day Day and the Get Back Crew
   
Offertory Prayer/Response………………….. Deacon Pimp Gigolo
   
Meditational Solo……………………………….. LaQuisha ShaQuan Odell Muhfukin Palmer

“There’s a Place in Hell Even for Me” 

 

Gospel Message……………………………….. Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump
   
2nd Offering for the Feed the First Family So They Never Have to Spend Their Own Money in the Grocery Store Fund……………………… Pastor’s Aide Ministry,   Brother Carl BeatUDown, President
   
Invitation to Discipleship…………………….. Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump and the Minister’s Mistresses of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle
   
Benediction……………………………………… Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump

 *Chicken wings and french fries served in the lower auditorium for a small fee of a $6.95 free-will offering (plus tax). Jumbo iced-tea lemonade mix not included.* 

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**CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS** 

Special Notice: Free Will Offering

There will be a $5.00 minimum cover charge for all meals served under the Free Will Offering Meals on Wheels program to get new spinners for Mother May’s 10 speed bike and training wheels.  All meals will still be served at the corner of 5th and Stank, between the Laundromat and Sam’s Carwash. 

-Mother Beatrice My Man’s a Ho Mays, MMBT Meals on Wheels, Chairperson

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 Mass Choir Rehearsal

Thursday, July 28, 2011

All choirs are asked to meet at Roscoe’s Poles and Holes next Thursday instead of the church sanctuary.  The church is being evaluated for new disco balls and therefore must be vacant during evaluation consultation.  Members are asked to brush their teeth before showing up for rehearsal because the facility is kind of small. 

-Briefcase Daddy O., Minister of Music

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Ice Cream Social

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Youth Department, aka, Young Hoodlums in Training, will hold an ice cream social for all persons who are not as big as cows and do not have an intolerance for dairy products.  Be advised that those who violate the stipulations of the invite will burn in hell.

-MMBT Youth Department

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Special Prayer Request

Please remember in prayer all persons who get caught stealing credit cards and use them to illegally sell gasoline to bystanders at the gas station in return for dollars to later hit up the liquor store for fabricated communion indulgence.  There has been a string of occurrences near the pump station over by Roscoe’s Poles and Holes.  

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Bout Damn Time Health Ministry

The ministry of fat asses will meet next Tuesday at 7pm.  Please enter through the double doors at the side street entrance. 

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 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 17-23, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Avoid making big commitments to little people who wear white socks and sandals and carry two last names. They aren’t to be trusted.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you will suffer the fate of itching in places you can not reach to scratch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You can be as full of yourself as you want to be, but to everyone else you will still be full of %@#!

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you think someone is dumber than you thought, next time you should think they’re dumber than you think.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s just as bad to live beneath your privilege as it is to live beyond your means.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Those who live in glass houses should change clothes in the basement.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The second you hold all the cards your opponent will decide to play chess.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A strip club will either be the answer to all your problems or the beginning of them.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The hard part about doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your powers of persuasion works on everyone except bill collectors and goldfish.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your best qualities are your ram-like eyebrows, smug expression and ability to do all the wrong stuff without discussing it openly.

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Quote of the week:  “Only the IRS has what it takes to take what you’ve got.” 

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I overheard a couple of my coworkers talking about me and my poor work performance. Should I confront them about it or continue acting like I don’t know what’s going on?  What should I do?   

Thanks,  

Water Cooler Rumors 

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Dear Water Cooler Rumors, 

It’s never a good thing when you overhear someone talking negatively about you.  The first thing any average person wants to do is smear vaseline over their face and go all WWF on a mofo!  As much fun as drop-kicking someone sounds, I wouldn’t advise that during normal business hours.  Save the violence for the after hours cocktails with the staff.  That way you can blame the ass-whooping on alcohol consumption.  

Let me be serious with you for a second before I drop you the 411 on the Hottywood revenge tips.  You have to be careful if you plan on confronting them about badmouthing you behind your back.  They may have legitimate reasons, if your work performance is less than stellar.  Acting a fool would only add credibility to their whispers and would also bring those reasons to light.  The last thing you need right now is for more coworkers, especially those who are upper level management, to see your flaws and errors.  What I would suggest is that you evaluate your own performance.  If you are screwing up, getting your shit together would be its own just reward and will also keep your ass employed.  If you work for the federal government, then advising you to work harder, better or smarter would be sufficient enough advice if I were speaking to a brick wall.   

Now here are a few innovative and devilish ideas that will help you to get back at that those bagel eating gossipers: 

  • Replace all the coffee beans in the break room with stale decaf coffee beans.  Everyone in the office will be sluggish for the entire day and will not know why.  By doing this, all of your colleagues will appear to be lazy and unenthused and somewhere down the line, you can use their slothfulness against them.  The key here is to think big in small steps.
  • Every time your coworkers leave their office, completely remove the paper from their printers or replace the printer paper with pages from a Playboy magazine.  This way, they’ll become flustered by the constant disappearance of the paper or terminated for viewing porn in the office. 
  • Using a black magic marker, scratch their names off of all of their incoming faxes.  If no one knows who the recipients of the faxes are, they will be discarded, the issues will never get resolved and your coworkers will be questioned on their no follow-up to their tasks, assignments, etc. 
  • Hire a gang of obese gypsy belly dancers to beat them up in the parking lot of your office building and film and post the whole episode on YouTube.  You’ll get nothing out of this but it sure as hell will be fun to watch.  

If your associates are covertly trying to bring you down, then A) you shouldn’t go down without a fight and B) you shouldn’t go down alone.  If somehow there is a pink slip involved with your name written all over it, then you have nothing to lose with getting a little revenge.  If, on the other hand you want to take the high road, get your act together and stop giving them something to talk about.  Check back with me to let me know how things work out for you.  And if you decide to take me up on that whole YouTube idea, make sure you give me a link so I’ll know where to go look!   Good luck. 

Hottywood 

RELATED ARTICLE:  40 Excuses to Get Out of Work

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2011

What would you give if you could see the crap that happens before 3[:00]? Today’s solutions to tomorrow’s worries; a heating pad for tomorrow’s flurries. Eyes to look into the future to block bad luck’s hold. An ass to tell it to kiss with bravery so bold. 

Well this, my friend, is your lucky day cause I’m here to tell ya you can. With a little help from these HORRORscopes, tomorrow’s sh*t is now in your hands.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

May he who is without sin be a rolling stone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Today is your lucky day. At this very moment congress is passing a bill that views chocolate chip brownies as breakfast food.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Drowning from trying to save your own reflection in deep waters proves to be really brave or really stupid.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t be surprised by a surprise Friday pop quiz on Thursday.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Give a burglar your money so he doesn’t steal it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone is going to leave your telephone number on the walls of a Burger King bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Something big is going to happen 1,000 bread slices from today.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There is nothing wrong with acting childlike but a whole lot wrong with acting childish.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your relationship is either a match made in heaven or a match made in Taiwan.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you dig a ditch, you might as well dig two, because the ditch you dig just might reserved for yourself.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s better not to do than say you will and don’t. There are names for people like that – Liar.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The scriptures you quote are just words if you don’t practice what you preach. 

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Quote of the week:  “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”    

HottywoodHelps.com Announces July’s Featured Junior Artist of the Month

July 2011 – Guys and Gals, it is yet time to spotlight another hidden talent in the Metropolitan area.  This month’s Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month is none other than Arrington James Lassiter, a recent graduate of Luke C. Moore Senior High School, class of 2011.  

Arrington, 19, has been featured in over 500 dance performances, productions, and events throughout the DMV area, in addition to New York, Florida and the state of Georgia, alongside dance greats such as Arthur Mitchell and Debbie Allen (who once taught at my alma mater, the Duke Ellington School of the Arts) as both a dancer and choreographer.  With such training and experience under his belt, while [currently] performing with the Northeast Performing Arts Group, located in Washington DC, he also teaches children ages 3-10 the joy and art of dance.  

Arrington is not only being acknowledged for his rhythmic accomplishments and contributions, but also for giving his time and talents to children younger than he who shares his passion for dance.  For this reason, HottywoodHelps.com honors Arrington James Lassiter and wishes him much success as he prepares to matriculate at Anne Arundel Community College to further his education in academic studies as well as the performing arts. 

*Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a round of applause to Arrington James Lassiter for being this year’s 7th official Junior Hottywood Artist of the Month!

Arrington James Lassiter, age 19 Washington DC

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