Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 3-9, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

50% of your bad attitude stems from finding inadequate parking at the grocery store. 47% is constipation and 3% is because your underwear are too tight.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are secretly being stalked by a clown college valedictorian who was released from prison two weeks ago. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Somewhere in the world, a Mexican Texas mocking bird loses its voice every eight bars of a fat lady’s song each time you tell a lie to someone you don’t know. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

People might think you’re weird if the seat of your pants crunches like a bag of Doritos every time you walk.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

No matter how many times you do laundry, deodorant will cling to the outer-stitch underarm pits of all your black t-shirts.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your pinky toenail will snag on every pair of socks you own – even the ones that have holes in them.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your feet will sweat as if you’ve stepped into a puddle of pothole water.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything you say will sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

In every battle, there is a hero on both sides.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will have a major case of déjà vu. You will have a major case of déjà vu.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Any door a key won’t open, a crow bar and a wad of gum will.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your blessing is your curse. 

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Quote of the week:  “While some people will not admit their age, others won’t act it.” 

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