What would you give if you could see the crap that happens before 3[:00]? Today’s solutions to tomorrow’s worries; a heating pad for tomorrow’s flurries. Eyes to look into the future to block bad luck’s hold. An ass to tell it to kiss with bravery so bold.
Well this, my friend, is your lucky day cause I’m here to tell ya you can. With a little help from these HORRORscopes, tomorrow’s sh*t is now in your hands.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
May he who is without sin be a rolling stone.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Today is your lucky day. At this very moment congress is passing a bill that views chocolate chip brownies as breakfast food.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Drowning from trying to save your own reflection in deep waters proves to be really brave or really stupid.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Don’t be surprised by a surprise Friday pop quiz on Thursday.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Give a burglar your money so he doesn’t steal it.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone is going to leave your telephone number on the walls of a Burger King bathroom.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Something big is going to happen 1,000 bread slices from today.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
There is nothing wrong with acting childlike but a whole lot wrong with acting childish.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your relationship is either a match made in heaven or a match made in Taiwan.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you dig a ditch, you might as well dig two, because the ditch you dig just might reserved for yourself.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
It’s better not to do than say you will and don’t. There are names for people like that – Liar.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The scriptures you quote are just words if you don’t practice what you preach.
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Quote of the week: “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
