What would you give if you could see the crap that happens before 3[:00]? Today’s solutions to tomorrow’s worries; a heating pad for tomorrow’s flurries. Eyes to look into the future to block bad luck’s hold. An ass to tell it to kiss with bravery so bold. 

Well this, my friend, is your lucky day cause I’m here to tell ya you can. With a little help from these HORRORscopes, tomorrow’s sh*t is now in your hands.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

May he who is without sin be a rolling stone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Today is your lucky day. At this very moment congress is passing a bill that views chocolate chip brownies as breakfast food.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Drowning from trying to save your own reflection in deep waters proves to be really brave or really stupid.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t be surprised by a surprise Friday pop quiz on Thursday.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Give a burglar your money so he doesn’t steal it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone is going to leave your telephone number on the walls of a Burger King bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Something big is going to happen 1,000 bread slices from today.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There is nothing wrong with acting childlike but a whole lot wrong with acting childish.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your relationship is either a match made in heaven or a match made in Taiwan.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you dig a ditch, you might as well dig two, because the ditch you dig just might reserved for yourself.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s better not to do than say you will and don’t. There are names for people like that – Liar.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The scriptures you quote are just words if you don’t practice what you preach. 

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Quote of the week:  “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”