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I overheard a couple of my coworkers talking about me and my poor work performance. Should I confront them about it or continue acting like I don’t know what’s going on? What should I do?
Water Cooler Rumors
Dear Water Cooler Rumors,
It’s never a good thing when you overhear someone talking negatively about you. The first thing any average person wants to do is smear vaseline over their face and go all WWF on a mofo! As much fun as drop-kicking someone sounds, I wouldn’t advise that during normal business hours. Save the violence for the after hours cocktails with the staff. That way you can blame the ass-whooping on alcohol consumption.
Let me be serious with you for a second before I drop you the 411 on the Hottywood revenge tips. You have to be careful if you plan on confronting them about badmouthing you behind your back. They may have legitimate reasons, if your work performance is less than stellar. Acting a fool would only add credibility to their whispers and would also bring those reasons to light. The last thing you need right now is for more coworkers, especially those who are upper level management, to see your flaws and errors. What I would suggest is that you evaluate your own performance. If you are screwing up, getting your shit together would be its own just reward and will also keep your ass employed. If you work for the federal government, then advising you to work harder, better or smarter would be sufficient enough advice if I were speaking to a brick wall.
Now here are a few innovative and devilish ideas that will help you to get back at that those bagel eating gossipers:
- Replace all the coffee beans in the break room with stale decaf coffee beans. Everyone in the office will be sluggish for the entire day and will not know why. By doing this, all of your colleagues will appear to be lazy and unenthused and somewhere down the line, you can use their slothfulness against them. The key here is to think big in small steps.
- Every time your coworkers leave their office, completely remove the paper from their printers or replace the printer paper with pages from a Playboy magazine. This way, they’ll become flustered by the constant disappearance of the paper or terminated for viewing porn in the office.
- Using a black magic marker, scratch their names off of all of their incoming faxes. If no one knows who the recipients of the faxes are, they will be discarded, the issues will never get resolved and your coworkers will be questioned on their no follow-up to their tasks, assignments, etc.
- Hire a gang of obese gypsy belly dancers to beat them up in the parking lot of your office building and film and post the whole episode on YouTube. You’ll get nothing out of this but it sure as hell will be fun to watch.
If your associates are covertly trying to bring you down, then A) you shouldn’t go down without a fight and B) you shouldn’t go down alone. If somehow there is a pink slip involved with your name written all over it, then you have nothing to lose with getting a little revenge. If, on the other hand you want to take the high road, get your act together and stop giving them something to talk about. Check back with me to let me know how things work out for you. And if you decide to take me up on that whole YouTube idea, make sure you give me a link so I’ll know where to go look! Good luck.
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