Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 17-23, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Avoid making big commitments to little people who wear white socks and sandals and carry two last names. They aren’t to be trusted.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you will suffer the fate of itching in places you can not reach to scratch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You can be as full of yourself as you want to be, but to everyone else you will still be full of %@#!

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you think someone is dumber than you thought, next time you should think they’re dumber than you think.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s just as bad to live beneath your privilege as it is to live beyond your means.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Those who live in glass houses should change clothes in the basement.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The second you hold all the cards your opponent will decide to play chess.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A strip club will either be the answer to all your problems or the beginning of them.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The hard part about doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your powers of persuasion works on everyone except bill collectors and goldfish.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your best qualities are your ram-like eyebrows, smug expression and ability to do all the wrong stuff without discussing it openly.

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Quote of the week:  “Only the IRS has what it takes to take what you’ve got.” 

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