This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,  

I recently got into a pretty bad argument with my girlfriend.  The argument resulted in her telling me that I’m acting like a real !@%# on her period.  That got me to thinking.  I notice that we get into the smallest arguments that escalate into the biggest deals, at least twice a month.   

My question to you is, “Do men have periods?”   

Sign,  

Man Cramps 

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Dear Man Cramps, 

Have you ever wondered why you’ve wanted to punch an alarm clock or a meter maid?  Curse out your girlfriends, baby mama or some random stranger on the street for no apparent reason?  Well I’ve got three words for you: Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS), aka, male PMS!  So Man Cramps, in answer to your question, “Yes, men do have periods.”  

A man’s period doesn’t operate on the same cycle as a woman’s because obviously we have no uterus (can I get a “thank goodness,” and a “hallelujah,” on that?).  Our cycles are rather more sporadic, depending on the drop in levels of the hormone testosterone in our system.  

Like PMS for women, IMS comes with a wet paper bag full of symptoms that include irritability, mood swings, hot flashes, depression, anger, feelings of anxiety, hypersensitivity, headaches, backaches and even stomach cramps.  Because IMS is caused by falls in levels of testosterone, there can also be a result of lack of sexual arousal and sexual dysfunction (say it ain’t so!).  

Actually, there have been a number of studies conducted on animals focusing on male PMS.  One such study was tested on [male] sheep.  In the study, scientists noted that the testosterone levels in the sheep were highest in the autumn months, during which time the male sheep experienced an increase in mating activity.  In the winter months, hormone levels dropped dramatically and the sheep became nervous and anxious around females. The decrease in testosterone also caused the males to lash out at one another. 

If you think your acting like an asshole is a result of you going through your “male monthly,” there is something you can do about it.  Sometimes IMS symptoms can be alleviated with topical creams, such as male progesterone cream or AndroGel.  Other suggestions to keep your sh*t under control is to make sure you have a sufficient amount of calcium and magnesium in your system.  You can curtail your bitchiness a little bit by getting on a more health conscious diet.  Lay off burgers, fries and stadium hotdogs and try to stick with more healthy choices of food.  It’s not as simple as it sounds considering burgers and fries are like the national anthem for the reverse of the four basic food groups.  Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started.  Anyway, 10 percent saturated fat, 25 percent fat, 35 percent low glycemic carbohydrates (carbohydrates that are digested slowly and that do not cause insulin levels to spike) and 40 percent protein will keep your girlfriend from secretly telling all her friends that you’re just a little girl trapped in a man’s body.  With this diet plan, approximately 30 to 40 minutes of exercise each day, six to eight hours of sleep each night, and a lot of sexual attention from your girl (or some other girl if things aren’t working out with your current situation) when she isn’t turned off by your man cramps, you can reduce the symptoms of IMS, stabilize your hormones, and get back to wearing the pants in your relationship. 

The down side of IMS is that it makes most men feel emasculated to have such a “bitch” thing happen to them (provided they are aware of IMS at all), since traditionally menstruation has never been associated with men.  

The up side is now you have a legitimate reason to act like a fool at least once a month, although you don’t have to limit your foolishness to once a month since you’re not operating off the same hormonal cycle as a chick.  Remember, a woman’s cycle is monthly while a man’s cycle depends on the level drop in hormones.  You also have a justifiable reason to get out of a bunch of sh*t you don’t want to be bothered with.  

  • You’re not in the mood to have a particular conversation?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t want to go to work in the morning?  Use man cramps as your excuse! 
  • You don’t like someone’s [horrible] cooking?  Use man cramps as your excuse!
  • You don’t want to change up for gym class?  Use man cramps as your excuse!  

It’s a good thing you came to me.  Otherwise you’d just be labeled an angry asshole for nothing.  Lucky for you Hottywood Helps!  Good luck with that.  

Hottywood

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